Salty Zebra

  Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.  2Co 4:16-18 NIV      It's been nearly a year that I've been on this journey. Really, it's a continuation of a journey I've been on far longer, actually all my life.  None of it has been easy, but I feel like I'm past the worst bits.  Today I live in the reality that I have a brain tumor.  That's tough.  I also deal with the pain and challenges brought on by Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome and Lyme Disease.  My days are pretty simple, without room for complication.  80% or more of my energy is devoted to doing what I have to to maintain life.  Pacing is a tool I've had to learn inside and out, managing my spoons so to speak.

      As you've probably read by now, I have Ehlers-Danlos Syndromes (EDS) which means my body creates defective collagen leading to weakened connective tissues.  This causes hypermobility as well as a heightened risk of injury.  That might come in the form of connective tissue tears, sprains, dislocations, you name it.  The other challenge is that my body does not heal well from the injuries, if at all.  That means what would be a simple injury for someone else can be a life-long disability for me.  I have multiple sprains in my body (including both of my ankles) that I have accumulated over the years and continue to affect me to this day.  Prolotherapy can help with some of those, but not all.       Enter fear.  Knowing that one small wrong move can lead to a lifetime of pain and disability can cause a person to be afraid to do anything, including rolling over in bed (yes, I've been injured this way many times). I am limited in what I can do to begin with so I'm not going

      Five years ago, almost exactly, I was out on the peninsula at my Christian Yoga training.  It was intense with days starting at 6am and ending at 10, with twenty women and one man trying to get through three showers.  The information came at us as if it was issued through a firehose.  They had so much to teach us and so little time.  There were a few special moments for breaks though where we got to explore the grounds of the retreat center.  It was fall at the time and I began to get curious about why leaves change color and fall off at this time of year.  There's a very long explanation, but a few thing stood out to me.  The first was that the leaves changed color because the energy in them was being drawn back into the tree.  This energy would help the tree survive the winter when food was more scarce.  Then, when the time was right, a special chemical reaction would tell the tree it was time to let go of the leaf.  The chemical that did this is abbreviated ABA, which to m

      I was tempted to do a "make-up" post for the one I missed yesterday, but I'm just going to own the mistake and keep plugging along.  I think that's an important skill to have when you are dealing with chronic illness.  You are going to hit speed bumps, or like when I was learning to drive, you may even jump fully over the curb, but the key is to not get stuck there.  Giving up is easier than pushing through, but it's not nearly as rewarding.       Every day lately I wake up with less energy than I think I need to do the basic tasks of my day, things like showering, fixing and eating food, and picking up after myself.  On top of that, I have this ever-growing "To-Do" list. No, for real, it's an actual list in an app called "To-Do."  It feels like for everything I check off, I add three more.  I go to bed every night exhausted and feeling like I didn't get enough done.  What is one to do in the face of this?  All I know to do is jus

     Today I visited my Physio's office and we discussed my next steps. Based on the suggestion of the PT who did my assessment, they agreed to try a Facet block at my T5-6 and T11-12 (at different times) to see if it would affect the pain in other parts of my back, particularly my low back. This will determine whether it would be beneficial to pursue Prolotherapy on these joints.           As we talked though, the PA I was meeting with became more concerned with my ankles than my back. I can't tell you how disappointing this was to me. The pain in my back has been so bad for so long and I've been holding out hope that prolo would help it. I let the PA know how much I'd like to do the back first, before the ankles, and she said we can do that if I'd prefer. Now, of course, I'm second guessing that because of how passionate she was about how much working on the ankles would affect.      The current plan of attack is to try a Facet block on whichever back joint is

    I've struggled lately with fear.  I fear that I cannot handle today:  the pain, the tasks at hand, the emotional cost.  I fear what the future will hold.  I create in my mind a projection of what that future might look like based on a downward trend that I perceive my body is on.  The truth is, God has not given me a vision of the future or knowledge of what is to come.  Everything I am worrying about is pure speculation.  I have taken away the phrase, "What if?" reasoning that the assumptions I am making about my trajectory are reasoned and have historical basis.  The truth is, my fears are still "What if?"s, I've just reframed them into something that seems more responsible.       So what's the answer to fear? Peace.  In John 14:27 (NIV) Jesus tells us, " Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid."  In the NET it reads, "Do not let you

     I love to travel, but I love planning travel even more! I love to dream about trips and put together itineraries just for fun, even if I don't get to do them-although once I start dreaming about a trip I want to do it all the more!      When my oldest son was five I took him to Disneyland, just the two of us. I had that four-day trip planned out in fifteen minute increments, I'm not kidding. About thirty minutes into the first day I thought it would be a good idea to hop on the Matterhorn because the line was so short. After one look at the abominable snowman, my son wouldn't get on another ride till after four pm.  So much for my plan! That same son, when we were sorting out his senior trip for high school, insisted that we not have a plan. So, being the person I am, came up with an "un-plan" that accounted for every possible option we might want to pursue. I had listed out every potential place we might like to visit with their open hours and da

      I know we don't know each other well yet, but I'm going to dive deep today into an issue I've struggled with for years, maybe decades: unanswered prayer.  For a long time I was afraid to even discuss it.  I didn't want to sound like I didn't have faith, and I didn't want to diminish anyone else's faith.  But one of the things I love about God and the Christian faith is that we are allowed, even encouraged, to ask the hard questions.  I know that if it's something I've struggled with, odds are there's someone else out there that has as well.       Over the years I've come to a sense of peace with a new understanding or epiphany about faith, suffering, etc. but whether it's because I forget or because my challenges intensify, I come back over and over to wondering about unanswered prayer.  Over the last 6-8 years these prayers have been about my health, but before that it was a desire for a baby, or my marriage, or things with my kids