Salty Zebra

  Over the next few weeks, I'll be sharing regular posts about how I'm preparing for radiation. I'm hoping these can help someone else, as I struggled to find a conversational source like this that dealt with the subject. For more information on my brain tumor, check out these posts .  From the time I was given my setup appointment for June 2nd, my husband and I felt like a clock was ticking. On the one hand, we felt like we would get more information at the appointment, including a promised schedule. On the other hand, this appointment would start to make it all real, and it certainly did! I think I came out of it feeling a little shell-shocked. For those interested, and perhaps those who might come after me and want to know for themselves, I'll walk you through our day.  As per usual, we arrived for my appointment about an hour beforehand. My husband is a big proponent of being early! I factored this in, though, and packed us a lunch to eat since my appointment time w...

  The sacrifice God desires is a humble spirit – O God, a humble and repentant heart you will not reject. Psalm 51:17  When we realize that we’ve done something wrong, we want to make it right. We want to “fix it.” At least I do. I hate sitting in that state where I am confronted with my sin and feel helpless to do anything about it. The problem is, sometimes there is nothing to be done. The cat is out of the bag, the toothpaste is out of the tube, and there is nothing humanly possible to be done to reverse it.   I think about this often with my parenting. I tried so hard to be a good mom. I prayed. I learned. I sacrificed. But no matter how much effort I put into it, I am still human, and I still had terrible failings, ones I am desperately ashamed of. I have spoken to my kids about this, confessed my wrongdoing and asked their forgiveness. They were kind and ready to give it, and yet I do not feel absolved.   This psalm says in verse 4, “Against you, and you ...

  Why, Lord, do you stand far off? Why do you hide yourself in times of trouble?   Psalm 10:1  Have you ever planned a surprise birthday party for someone? A common part of this is pretending. Pretending you did not remember their birthday. Pretending like nothing special is planned or going to happen. The person in question may wonder if you even care about them, if their special day matters to you at all. And then, at just the right time, everything comes together and all their friends and loved ones pop out and yell, “Surprise!” All at once, they no longer feel unseen and unloved, instead they are surrounded by joy and affection.   Sometimes when we are in the midst of trouble, it’s hard to see where God is at in it. Why is He allowing you to suffer when He is fully capable of fixing everything in the blink of an eye? The thing I think we are missing in this situation is perspective. Joni Eareckson Tada once said, “Perspective is everything when you are exper...

  Over the next few weeks, I'll be sharing regular posts about how I'm preparing for radiation. I'm hoping these can help someone else, as I struggled to find a conversational source like this that dealt with the subject. For more information on my brain tumor, check out these posts .    When I learned that I had about four and a half months before I started radiation therapy, I wanted to take advantage of every opportunity to both do the things that were important to me, like my trip with my son, and prepare for the road ahead. They tell you a little about what to expect, but treatment hits every person a little differently so they can't say much for sure. My primary symptoms associated with my tumor (I have lots associated with other illnesses but we're hoping they won't be affected) are nausea and vertigo. My doctor has warned me that these will likely increase as treatment progresses because radiation causes inflammation to the area of the tumor, effectively...

  Then I thought, “To this I will appeal: the years when the Most High stretched out his right hand. I will remember the deeds of the Lord; yes, I will remember your miracles of long ago.”   Psalm 77:10-11  Sometimes life is hard. Things just don’t add up. You hurt. You’re worn out. You’ve waited and waited, and reprieve doesn’t seem to be on the horizon. The Bible doesn’t shy away from these difficult seasons in our lives. It doesn’t shame us, or tell us we’re wrong to feel sad, scared or lost. Instead, it comes alongside us and says, yes, your brothers and sisters have felt that way too. You are not alone.   In our Psalm today, 77, the psalmist (Asaph) lays out his struggles before God. He starts out in confidence that the LORD will hear and pay attention to him. Things had gotten so bad that he felt like, maybe, God had forgotten him or rejected him. He wondered if God was so angry with him that He had withheld His compassion. That’s a dark place to be. Maybe ...

   God knows. He knows what we need and when we need it. Five days after hearing that I was going to probably need radiation therapy for my brain tumor, this book shows up in my mailbox. I am a regular supporter of the Love God Greatly ministry, so I receive their studies automatically and I didn't know in advance what it would be. Turns out, this one is a repeat (which they do occasionally). Turns out, God put everything together just right so that I would have the study I needed, when I needed it.  Radiation therapy brings a whole host of suffering with it. Exhaustion. Not just tiredness, bone-weary exhaustion. I remember that from after my brain surgeries. My body was so worn out that it literally couldn't stay awake for more than 20 minutes straight. Falling asleep sitting up wasn't just possible, it was the norm. Nausea. My worst enemy. I've said over and over, I'll take pain and migraines over nausea. Well, in this case I may not have to choose, I'll likel...