Salty Zebra

  Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.  2Co 4:16-18 NIV      It's been nearly a year that I've been on this journey. Really, it's a continuation of a journey I've been on far longer, actually all my life.  None of it has been easy, but I feel like I'm past the worst bits.  Today I live in the reality that I have a brain tumor.  That's tough.  I also deal with the pain and challenges brought on by Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome and Lyme Disease.  My days are pretty simple, without room for complication.  80% or more of my energy is devoted to doing what I have to to maintain life.  Pacing is a tool I've had to learn inside and out, managing my spoons so to speak.

      As you've probably read by now, I have Ehlers-Danlos Syndromes (EDS) which means my body creates defective collagen leading to weakened connective tissues.  This causes hypermobility as well as a heightened risk of injury.  That might come in the form of connective tissue tears, sprains, dislocations, you name it.  The other challenge is that my body does not heal well from the injuries, if at all.  That means what would be a simple injury for someone else can be a life-long disability for me.  I have multiple sprains in my body (including both of my ankles) that I have accumulated over the years and continue to affect me to this day.  Prolotherapy can help with some of those, but not all.       Enter fear.  Knowing that one small wrong move can lead to a lifetime of pain and disability can cause a person to be afraid to do anything, including rolling over in bed (yes, I've been injured this way many times). I am limited in what I can do to begin with so I'm not going

      Five years ago, almost exactly, I was out on the peninsula at my Christian Yoga training.  It was intense with days starting at 6am and ending at 10, with twenty women and one man trying to get through three showers.  The information came at us as if it was issued through a firehose.  They had so much to teach us and so little time.  There were a few special moments for breaks though where we got to explore the grounds of the retreat center.  It was fall at the time and I began to get curious about why leaves change color and fall off at this time of year.  There's a very long explanation, but a few thing stood out to me.  The first was that the leaves changed color because the energy in them was being drawn back into the tree.  This energy would help the tree survive the winter when food was more scarce.  Then, when the time was right, a special chemical reaction would tell the tree it was time to let go of the leaf.  The chemical that did this is abbreviated ABA, which to m

      I know who I am, what I believe. You'd think it would be simple then to represent that to the world, right?  Wrong.  In the Pacific Northwest where I live, Christians are not common.  In fact, most people have a negative view of Christianity.  This means that being me, speaking my truth, answering people honestly carries a potential cost.  Then again, so does not.     Today at my doctor's appointment I was chatting with the nurse while she was preparing my skin for an injection.  Based on her name and a tattoo on her arm, I assumed that it was likely she was Muslim. She asked if we used to dress up for Halloween and I told her that we used to when doing events with the youth group we led, and she hadn't heard of that, so she asked what a youth group is.  You'd think this would be a blinking light invitation to share in a simple way what I believe, but I panicked and froze.  I was afraid of what she would think of me, I was afraid of offending her, I was just afrai

      I was tempted to do a "make-up" post for the one I missed yesterday, but I'm just going to own the mistake and keep plugging along.  I think that's an important skill to have when you are dealing with chronic illness.  You are going to hit speed bumps, or like when I was learning to drive, you may even jump fully over the curb, but the key is to not get stuck there.  Giving up is easier than pushing through, but it's not nearly as rewarding.       Every day lately I wake up with less energy than I think I need to do the basic tasks of my day, things like showering, fixing and eating food, and picking up after myself.  On top of that, I have this ever-growing "To-Do" list. No, for real, it's an actual list in an app called "To-Do."  It feels like for everything I check off, I add three more.  I go to bed every night exhausted and feeling like I didn't get enough done.  What is one to do in the face of this?  All I know to do is jus

    I've struggled lately with fear.  I fear that I cannot handle today:  the pain, the tasks at hand, the emotional cost.  I fear what the future will hold.  I create in my mind a projection of what that future might look like based on a downward trend that I perceive my body is on.  The truth is, God has not given me a vision of the future or knowledge of what is to come.  Everything I am worrying about is pure speculation.  I have taken away the phrase, "What if?" reasoning that the assumptions I am making about my trajectory are reasoned and have historical basis.  The truth is, my fears are still "What if?"s, I've just reframed them into something that seems more responsible.       So what's the answer to fear? Peace.  In John 14:27 (NIV) Jesus tells us, " Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid."  In the NET it reads, "Do not let you

      I've avoided this topic, didn't plan on writing about it at all to be honest.  But this morning as I was talking with my husband he shared that he believed it is important to share all aspects of my faith walk because there might be someone out there that needs to hear it.       So about a month ago we decided it was time to leave our church.  We did not come to this conclusion easily - it was a 9 month, painful journey.  Even more painful as it was just two years ago this fall that we had to leave our previous church.  This makes me feel like we come across as people who don't take church membership seriously, or are looking for perfection - I assure you this is far from the truth.  We had spent nearly twenty years at the church we left two years ago, and we only left because the teaching had begun to stray far from biblical truth and the church also did not embrace the community in the way we felt led to do.  After a very short time we connected with a group of peop

A week ago, I started feeling a new type of pain in my low back, right around my SI joint. It started like a muscle cramp or spasm. It started to spread up my back, I thought, but in hindsight I wonder if it was actually trickling down from an injury in my thoracic spine. In any case, it's not getting better. I see my physiatrist on Wednesday, my primary care physician on Thursday, and my physical therapist on Friday. Hopefully between them, we can find some course of action.  In the mornings, while I'm getting ready, I listen to the scripture meditation from https://pray-as-you-go.org/. Last week, ironically, many of the scriptures were from the book of Job. If you're not familiar with the story, Job lost everything, including his health, but he is famous for saying, "The Lord gives, and the Lord takes away, blessed be the name of the Lord." I was reminded of a promise I had made to God some time ago that everything I had was his. My marriage, my home, my kids, m

      This post is much more delayed than I had planned for a couple of reasons - it all boils down to I didn't feel up to it though.       The day after my second Prolo treatment I had an appointment with my PCP who was concerned that I was showing symptoms of Serotonin Syndrome and had me titrate off the migraine preventative I was on.  While I'm happy to report that the negative side effects I was experiencing have stopped, unfortunately I've had a migraine for all but one of the last 11 days, my pain levels have been much increased, and my fatigue is bad. I've spent the bulk of every day in bed and I haven't been able to do much at all.     How much of this is what Prolo would have looked like if I wasn't on the meds the first round and how much is a result of coming off them?  I don't know.  Maybe we'll find out next round.     So, like the first round, my worst day was the fifth day after treatment.  Unlike the first round it didn't get signifi

      I know we don't know each other well yet, but I'm going to dive deep today into an issue I've struggled with for years, maybe decades: unanswered prayer.  For a long time I was afraid to even discuss it.  I didn't want to sound like I didn't have faith, and I didn't want to diminish anyone else's faith.  But one of the things I love about God and the Christian faith is that we are allowed, even encouraged, to ask the hard questions.  I know that if it's something I've struggled with, odds are there's someone else out there that has as well.       Over the years I've come to a sense of peace with a new understanding or epiphany about faith, suffering, etc. but whether it's because I forget or because my challenges intensify, I come back over and over to wondering about unanswered prayer.  Over the last 6-8 years these prayers have been about my health, but before that it was a desire for a baby, or my marriage, or things with my kids

  For me Salty refers to different things.  You’ve got the slang term which refers to someone who is irritated or angry.  Yep, that’s me sometimes.  If I’m being honest, which is what this space is for, there are many times when I don’t understand why I’m in the situation I am.  Why do I have to deal with chronic pain?  Why can’t I do the things that others can?  Then there’s the haters.  You know those people who look at me when I’m in a wheelchair or using a cane and think I have no business doing that because I’m young and I don’t have any visible disabilities.  Yep, they make me salty. While those things are true and a real part of my experience, more importantly I seek to be salt.  I want to add flavor to the world, enhancing those around me to make them shine.  I want to speak truth that encourages others and preserves hope.  In Matthew 5:13 we read, “You are the salt of the earth. But if the salt loses its saltiness, how can it be made salty again? It is no longer good for any