Lost in the Wilderness

 

If you remain in me and my words remain in you, ask whatever you want and it will be done for you. My Father is honored by this, that you bear much fruit and show that you are my disciples.  John 15:7-8

 Do you ever have thoughts, doubts, even fears that you’re afraid to voice, even to God? Are you ashamed of them or worried that they will make it seem like you don’t believe, or you don’t have faith? I do. And today I am not going to let them win. Today, I am going to step out into my doubt with faith. That seems a little confusing, doesn’t it? But let me paint a word picture for you.

 I’m standing, in my mind, on the edge of a dark forest. Outside of the forest there is sunshine and warm breezes, but inside the forest the canopy of trees blocks the light out until you can hardly see at all. I’m standing on a clearly marked path that I’ve been following for some time, but at the edge of the forest the path seems to dissipate into overgrowth and brambles. I can’t quite tell where it is going, where it is pointing me. I have a few tools with me, but they haven’t seen much use and I’m not very skilled with them. I’m not sure how to break through the undergrowth of the woods and make my way through. But these woods stand between me and where I want to go, where I need to be. Honestly, I’m not even 100% sure what’s on the other side, only that there doesn’t seem to be any way around – I have to go through.

 This is how I feel when I face these verses. These are verses that, I believe, were intended to bring comfort and peace. Instead, the enemy has taught me to question them, to not take them at face value, to distort them until they mean something I’m more comfortable with. I’ve always been afraid to write on these verses because I don’t want to be a stumbling block to anyone else’s faith. But in that, perhaps I have done you all a disservice, as not talking about things gives them so much more power.

 God is really, really big! He’s big enough to handle my doubt and my misunderstanding. The enemy wants me to feel like I can’t voice these things because as long as they remain trapped in my heart they hold power over me. But when I release them for God to have His way with them, I am free. I am free to trust in and wait for His promised deliverance. So that is what I’m doing today. I’m admitting the truth – I don’t get it. I don’t understand how Jesus’ promise here can be true. I have had so many times where my prayers didn’t seem to be answered. Or when I thought they were, and it fell flat. And I know that I was walking in relationship with Jesus at the time and truly desiring His will and best.

 One of the biggest ones of these that stands out in my mind was a desperate desire I had for another child. Yes, I have four AMAZING kids, and I am so blessed by and thankful for them. But for some reason, I had a yearning on my heart for another child, so strong I could hardly breathe through it, for TEN YEARS! I prayed over and over, time and time again that God would either grant my request or relieve my heart of the desire. I cried through these prayers so very many times. I truly was open to God’s will, I just wanted my heart to align with it. Was it God’s will that I feel so strongly, so desperately, and not see the fulfillment of those desires? That doesn’t seem to match up to these verses at all. At the end of it, my body failed me, and after a terrible six-month fight, I lost my uterus. I figured at that point that my answer to my prayers for ten years was, “No.” Then, a few years later, a dream was birthed in my heart for a wellness center. I wanted to bring together Christian yoga teachers, counselors, nutritionists, etc. and create a space for them to serve and love on people. As I was praying through this, the idea occurred to me, I thought at the time from God, that perhaps this was the baby that my desire had been for. Perhaps this was the answer to my prayers and the culmination of all of those years of dreaming. And then that dream died too. My first dream died through surgery and my next through a combination of COVID shutdowns and another painful diagnosis, Ehlers-Danlos Syndromes.

 Has God ever left me without things I needed? No. Has He always answered my prayers in ways I can see and understand? No. That begs the question, why? I can tell you certainly that I sought the Lord and was fully submitted to His will in these dreams. I believe His answers to my prayers were, “No.” All I can believe is that this was for my best, and likely for the best for others as well. I believe that these things wouldn’t have gone well if I had pursued them apart from God. But neither can I say that I could, ”ask whatever you want and it will be done for you.” (John 15:7b). And yet I believe in God’s Word and what it says. I believe it is true. I just don’t understand it.

 I stand in the midst of the forest. Darkness all around me. I’ve been here for so long, fighting my way through the dense foliage, the brambles. I’m covered in scratches and frankly not sure which way is out. For all I know, I could have been walking in circles for 40 years. But I don’t give up, I press on. I have not given up my faith, but it is not always because I feel this sense of comfort and blessing and presence. Sometimes it is because I identify completely with Peter when he said in John 6:68, “Lord, to whom shall we go? You have the words of eternal life.”

Here's the Thing: I don’t have the answers to unanswered prayer. I can’t wrap up this post with a pretty bow and send you on your way in peace. But I can hold space for you to wrestle with your doubts and fears. God is big enough and strong enough to take it. You don’t have to be afraid of breaking Him or shocking Him with your heart’s deepest, darkest thoughts. The truth is, He already knows them, better than we do ourselves, and He longs to shed a light on them and bring them out of the darkness so that they cannot harm us any longer.