Salty Zebra

   God knows. He knows what we need and when we need it. Five days after hearing that I was going to probably need radiation therapy for my brain tumor, this book shows up in my mailbox. I am a regular supporter of the Love God Greatly ministry, so I receive their studies automatically and I didn't know in advance what it would be. Turns out, this one is a repeat (which they do occasionally). Turns out, God put everything together just right so that I would have the study I needed, when I needed it.  Radiation therapy brings a whole host of suffering with it. Exhaustion. Not just tiredness, bone-weary exhaustion. I remember that from after my brain surgeries. My body was so worn out that it literally couldn't stay awake for more than 20 minutes straight. Falling asleep sitting up wasn't just possible, it was the norm. Nausea. My worst enemy. I've said over and over, I'll take pain and migraines over nausea. Well, in this case I may not have to choose, I'll likel...

  Over the next few weeks, I'll be sharing regular posts about how I'm preparing for radiation. I'm hoping these can help someone else, as I struggled to find a conversational source like this that dealt with the subject. For more information on my brain tumor, check out these posts .  There's lots to do before I start radiation in 35 days, and I have to prioritize. When looking at my list, one of the hardest things was cutting my hair. Three years ago, I had three brain surgeries which resulted in a shaved head at the end. That was a tough decision at first, but when I found that I would have several strange, shaved patches, and I had spent two weeks in the neuro ICU not being able to wash or care for my hair properly, it got a little easier. After surgery, I very much wanted to grow my hair back out. There's something about my body and brain that tell me I need to put my hair in a ponytail. If I can't, I just don't feel right. One year later (exactly one y...

  Over the next few weeks, I'll be sharing regular posts about how I'm preparing for radiation. I'm hoping these can help someone else, as I struggled to find a conversational source like this that dealt with the subject. For more information on my brain tumor,  check out these posts . So... Crazy week. I wrote my first post in this series last week under the impression that I had four and a half months until I would be starting radiation and I had a lot of things I wanted to do to get ready. I already have ten other posts in this series started in my drafts folder - so much to do. So much I want to take care of. And this week, well that timeline shrunk significantly. But I'm getting ahead of myself. Here's what happened.  Last weekend I had an amazing time with my family. We talked a lot about radiation, and I thought more and more about it. To say I started questioning myself would be an understatement. You see, the determination to begin treatment was made based...

Over the next few months, I'll be sharing regular posts about how I'm preparing for radiation in the fall. I'm hoping these can help someone else, as I struggled to find a conversational source like this that dealt with the subject. For more information on my brain tumor, check out these posts .    Last weekend, my family came together to celebrate my husband's 50th birthday. The timing of this was pretty special as I'd just received confirmation from my medical team that my brain tumor had officially entered progression (at least 20% growth) just a couple of days before, which I explained in my post last week . One of the hardest parts of this process has been having to communicate, at each step, what's going on to my family, especially my children. Don't get me wrong, they've been amazing about it! But I hate seeing the burden of knowledge weighing heavily on them.  Each of my kids have reacted differently to news of my tumor at different stages in thi...

 Have you ever asked God for a sign? How about a really specific sign? How about a flashing neon sign? Yep. That was me. I did that. You see, two years ago the radiologists' measurements on my MRIs showed that my tumor had grown, significantly. Between the MRI that we'd settled on as our baseline, taken about four months after my resection surgery, and the one taken in June of 2024, there was about a 76% increase in volume. Considering you only need to see 20% increase to be considered in "progression" and moving on to the next stage of treatment, this was a lot, even though the tumor itself was still pretty tiny, only about 1 sq cm, so the growth was pretty tiny as well. At that point, my surgeon referred me over to the Tumor Center and said that I'd likely need radiation treatment, though he wasn't an expert and deferred to their wisdom.   After my first, not great, appointment, we were assigned to the head of Neuro Radiology Oncology who was an amazing ble...

 It's coming up to that time of year again, my annual check in with the brain tumor center. This year, as I prepare for my visit, I thought I'd walk you through what it's like. They tell me that rehearsing the scene is helpful, so you get to do it with me! We get going really early in the morning. They typically have me do my MRI first thing so that the imaging will be ready in time for my appointment with the doctor. Traffic at that time of day is terrible, often 2-3 hours for a 35-mile commute, and my husband is a "five minutes early is ten minutes late" kind of guy, but on steroids. So, for an 8am appointment, it's common that we will leave around 5-5:30am. Much of the commute will be stop-and-go, but odds are we'll get there more than an hour early anyways. We do a lot of early! I guess that's better than late though.  We circle downward into a parking garage. Getting there so early, we can often get a spot on the highest floor, but sometimes we...

  Moses and Aaron did just as the Lord had commanded. He raised his staff in the presence of Pharaoh and his officials and struck the water of the Nile, and all the water was changed into blood.   Exodus 7:20  In February of 2023, I was in a desperate place. I had dealt with migraines for years, but they were getting ridiculous. I got regular migraines, a few a month, but Starting February 21 st of 2021 I had a migraine that lasted over a month. This was terrible, I cannot tell you how awful it was because unless you have experienced something like a migraine and had it last for days and weeks on end you can’t begin to imagine it. But then, in 2022, it was even worse. Around the same time of year, I got another migraine that decided to hold on. And it held on, and it held on, and it held on. I tried a myriad of different medicines. I went all the way to Seattle multiple times a week for migraine infusions. I lived in the dark, with the lights dimmed and the curtains dr...

   Disneyland truly is one of the happiest places on earth for my husband and I. Several times over our relationship, including our honeymoon, we've popped down for a few magical days. It's been about ten years since the last time we did this, and both of us are starting to feel like it is time. Yes, we've been to Disney World since then, but it's really not the same. Because I've been to Disneyland so many times, it's a familiar, comfortable booking process for me, but just in case it's new to you, I thought I'd share my steps. What Comes First?  With most trips, you need to decide whether to book the flight or the hotel first. Most of the time this will land on the side of the flight, but because we are blessed with the ability to fly for free with my daughter's airline benefits (she's a flight attendant), the first piece of this puzzle I need to consider is the hotel. Because of the huge variability in hotel and ticket prices with Disneyland, ...

 I have a condition called foot drop. It comes about when there is an impingement, or pressure, on the nerve somewhere between my brain and my foot. It causes my foot to periodically, and unexpectedly, not lift my toe up all the way when I'm walking. When I am wearing just socks, this usually doesn't cause much of a problem, but when I am wearing shoes, it causes me to trip over my own feet.  Historically, when this happens, I feel really dumb how foolish am I that I can't even pick up my feet right when I'm walking? But my doctor, recently, taught me that this condition is inherent in my system. No matter how much my brain tells my foot to pick up my toe, my foot is not getting the message. I could look at my foot the whole time I'm walking and tell my foot with every step to pick up my toe, and I would still not do it every once in a while. Now, perhaps this is because my foot doesn't have ears to hear my mouth speaking, but that's what nerves are for. And...

  As you do not know the path of the wind, or how the body is formed in a mother’s womb, so you cannot understand the work of God, the Maker of all things. Ecclesiastes 11:5  I’m a researcher at heart. There is very little I take at face value. Trust, but verify. I want to know your sources. Did you just hear that on TikTok or is there an actual study to back that up? And when it comes to studies, are we talking a long-term study with thousands of participants, or a case study with one or two?   In 2024 I faced a quandary. According to the scans, my tumor had grown by more than 20%, perhaps as much as 50%. I was being referred to the brain tumor center for further treatment because it was in a location that, at that time, was deemed inoperable. At my first visit, I met with an ARNP who would oversee my care, a neuro oncologist that would discuss chemotherapy options (there weren’t any for my type of tumor), and a neuro radiologist that would discuss radiation treatmen...

  Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord. Psalm 27:14  Have you ever found yourself in the Waiting Place? I wrote about this last April with regard to waiting for Jesus to return and take us home to be with Him. This week it’s taken on a different connotation for me. Two weeks ago, I heard a speaker share about when Jesus asked the man at the well, “Do you want to be healed?” (post coming soon, once the song it discusses is released 😉 ). This last Sunday, God followed it up by a teaching, at a completely different church, on healing, specifically discussing the story of the man born blind and his healing we read about in John 9 . All this stirred up in me the old questions I have about healing. Things I thought I had resolved and found peace with are churning once more in my heart and mind. I *think* this is God’s doing, that He wants me to revisit these things and explore them with Him in light of a new season of my life. It’s uncomfortable. I d...