Salty Zebra

      Five years ago, almost exactly, I was out on the peninsula at my Christian Yoga training.  It was intense with days starting at 6am and ending at 10, with twenty women and one man trying to get through three showers.  The information came at us as if it was issued through a firehose.  They had so much to teach us and so little time.  There were a few special moments for breaks though where we got to explore the grounds of the retreat center.  It was fall at the time and I began to get curious about why leaves change color and fall off at this time of year.  There's a very long explanation, but a few thing stood out to me.  The first was that the leaves changed color because the energy in them was being drawn back into the tree.  This energy would help the tree survive the winter when food was more scarce.  Then, when the time was right, a special chemical reaction would tell the tree it was time to let go of the leaf.  The chemical that did this is abbreviated ABA, which to m

            I've spent much of my adult life hiding or apologizing for my blessings.  My husband has a good job which, while it brings with it some of its own challenges, has allowed me to be able to raise and homeschool our children without having to work outside the home. We have been very intentional about being good stewards of what God has given us and obeying Him when it comes to our finances.  This comes into play with everything from learning to tithe to obeying Him when He called us to pay off our debts.  This involves being generous with our time, talent, and treasure.  I believe it is a result of God's provision through my husband's income as well as teaching us to manage it well that has us in a place where we are comfortable financially.  But so many of the people in my life or that I encounter are not in this place, so I feel guilty when I talk about opportunities I have, like travel.  I feel like I need to hide it or minimize it.  I even catch myself planning

      As I mentioned in a post earlier this month ( Day 4: Becoming an Ambulatory Wheelchair User (saltyzebra.blogspot.com)  I am exploring my options with mobility aids.  I am perfectly capable of getting around the house (for the most part) and I can walk to and from the car and buildings, but if my outing involves much more walking than that I struggle.  Grocery shopping, walks in the park, even events that involve a lot of walking/standing around wear me out quickly and I develop quite a bit of pain in my legs.  I believe my challenges are a combination of low energy and lax ankle joints that put a lot of burden on my calf muscles - not to mention invite injury.     We've explored the option with our insurance company and been informed that they will only pay for a chair for me to be used in the home.  If the chair is able to fold up and go in the car then they will not cover it.  They only believe it is medically necessary for me to be able to perform my basic functions of dai

      I know who I am, what I believe. You'd think it would be simple then to represent that to the world, right?  Wrong.  In the Pacific Northwest where I live, Christians are not common.  In fact, most people have a negative view of Christianity.  This means that being me, speaking my truth, answering people honestly carries a potential cost.  Then again, so does not.     Today at my doctor's appointment I was chatting with the nurse while she was preparing my skin for an injection.  Based on her name and a tattoo on her arm, I assumed that it was likely she was Muslim. She asked if we used to dress up for Halloween and I told her that we used to when doing events with the youth group we led, and she hadn't heard of that, so she asked what a youth group is.  You'd think this would be a blinking light invitation to share in a simple way what I believe, but I panicked and froze.  I was afraid of what she would think of me, I was afraid of offending her, I was just afrai

      If you stick with me here for any length of time, you'll see I travel in cycles with my struggle over not having been healed yet.  At times I feel mostly at peace, accepting that I have done what I am supposed to, surrendering my life, my heart, my future to God and trusting that He will put things together perfectly in His timing.  Then there are times where I feel like there's something wrong with me because I'm still sick.  This is especially true when I am sharing my situation with another Christian.       I, like many others, have been told that it is God's will that everyone be healed and that if I haven't been, my faith is weak or there is unconfessed sin in my life.        You can't imagine how many times I've brought this to God in prayer.  Yes, of course there are things about my life that should be improved.  I am definitely not perfect.  I am a sinner saved by grace.  That said, I truly believe that God brings up to me issues that He wants

      This morning I read an article written by a fellow Zebra (person with EDS) on the benefits of social media for those with chronic illness.  She shared that it helped her to feel connected to those she cared about even when she couldn't see them physically.  Further, she said that it helped her feel like she can, "still 'travel' all over the world and 'visit' friends and family from all walks of life."     For me, social media has a significantly different effect.  I've struggled as my abilities declined watching friends and family out and about doing wonderful things together.  I felt a heavy weight on my heart and questioned if I was a good mom anymore.  I struggled with jealousy at the things that others were able to do easily that I couldn't even consider.  I found that every time I opened Facebook on my phone it brought my mood lower and lower and I eventually had to cut myself off from it entirely.     These days if I want to connect vi

      There's a little piece inside me that always wonders if I'm making a bigger deal out of all this than it really is.  Maybe I'm exaggerating - Lord knows I've been guilty of that a lot in my life! Maybe I just like the attention.  Maybe I'm living in fear, not doing things because I think it might hurt me when it really wouldn't.  Periodically this questioning hits a critical point and I have to test things out again.  It's like having a sprained ankle, or a bad bruise.  Maybe it's just me, I but I keep circling around to, "Maybe it's fine now, surely I should try again." Inevitably it's not fine yet and when I step on it or press on it, it still hurts.      I got to wondering though, maybe I could do this in a healthy way.  Actually find my limits so that I can reasonably live within them and not keep up the cycle of shame and injury.  I spoke about it with my counselor and she agreed that this might be an interesting use of my Fi