Day 23: I am ashamed of my illness

 

    If you stick with me here for any length of time, you'll see I travel in cycles with my struggle over not having been healed yet.  At times I feel mostly at peace, accepting that I have done what I am supposed to, surrendering my life, my heart, my future to God and trusting that He will put things together perfectly in His timing.  Then there are times where I feel like there's something wrong with me because I'm still sick.  This is especially true when I am sharing my situation with another Christian.  

    I, like many others, have been told that it is God's will that everyone be healed and that if I haven't been, my faith is weak or there is unconfessed sin in my life.  

    You can't imagine how many times I've brought this to God in prayer.  Yes, of course there are things about my life that should be improved.  I am definitely not perfect.  I am a sinner saved by grace.  That said, I truly believe that God brings up to me issues that He wants me to deal with in His timing, and He equips me to process and grow through them at that time.  I don't think that I have to be sinless and perfect in order to receive healing.

    When it comes to the idea that God has promised to heal everyone, I think that that is only true in our eternity with Him.  I don't see anywhere in scripture where it says that we will all receive healing during our earthly lives.  Furthermore, I've read story after story of those who have given their whole lives to the service of God, and done far more for the Kingdom than most, that live with chronic illness.  If these saints did not receive earthly healing based on their relationships with God, then why would I think that I would?

    With all that being truth I hold in my heart; I still feel shame and embarrassment when confronted with those who want to pray for my healing. I was watching a church service online this morning since my husband is out of town and I didn't have it in me to go to a new church by myself today, and during the worship they asked that anyone that needed to receive healing this morning raise their hands.  Just that simple invitation put me in a place of discomfort.  Yes, I believe that it is biblical to pray for healing.  I even agree that there are instructions to keep praying for things more than once.  But at what point are we supposed to accept that earthly healing is not God's best for us, at least right now?  When do I submit to the place that God has me in and accept my pain instead of struggling against it?  

Here's the thing: None of this is clear or simple to me.  On the one hand, I wonder if accepting my circumstances is a lack of faith and I won't receive earthly healing because I gave up.  On the other, I wonder if persisting in praying for healing places me at odds with God, not submitting to His will for me.  If you have any deep insight into these questions, I'd love to hear it!