Praying God's Wisdom: When Soft becomes Sharp

 

A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger. Proverbs 15:1

 Almost three years ago now, I was facing brain surgery. I had been diagnosed with a tumor blocking my 4^th ventricle and it needed to be removed right away. I read up on the type of tumor they thought I had (they were wrong), the location, the surgery. I tried to prepare without inducing too much fear, but one fear took shape in the back of my subconscious that survives today – the fear that my personality would be inextricably changed. I had heard horror stories from friends and family of their loved ones who, typically through traumatic brain injury, went from loving, kind, grace filled people to nasty, bitter abusive ones. I was terrified that would happen to me. At first, I thought I had been spared this outcome, but now I’m not so sure.

 The first 25 years of our family, this verse was my job. In fact, when my health had brought me to a place where I literally couldn’t contribute to the family in any other way, my husband told me that my job in the family was to “soften” things. I acted as an intermediary for my husband and kids and my kids with each other. I helped them to see each other’s side of an issue. I restated things to get someone’s point across without causing harm. I did the best I could to be a peacemaker in our home. Lately though, it seems that I am the one in need of a peacemaker, an interpreter.

 Over the last year, my husband has stated that I am “sharper.” My words come out a little harsher, and I am the one in need of an intermediary to soften what comes out of my mouth. To my horror, I have said some things in very public settings that never should have been said, and that I never would have said before. I’ll be honest, I don’t know when the change happened or where it came from. I wish it hadn’t. I don’t like me now. I don’t like how I am. I don’t want to be this way. But I can’t seem to change it. It’s like I know better, but I can’t do better. Like last night. I was using a pan to go from the stove top (with pork chops) to the oven to finish, and I knew there was a chance that I would forget that the handle of the pan was hot. I told myself over and over and over to use a potholder when I took the pan out of the oven, and I did. But then, not a minute later when I needed to adjust the position of the pan now back on the stove, I reached out and grabbed the 450 degree handle with my bare hand. Instantly I knew that I had done the one thing I had been telling myself not to, but somehow I couldn’t stop myself from it. It just happened.

 My favorite Maya Angelou quote is, “Do the best you can until you know better. Then when you know better, do better.” So I know better, but I can’t seem to do better. I’m not sure what to do with that! What I have seen though is my family stepping up and becoming better and better at this job that used to be mine. My husband has become nurturing and grace filled in ways that I never knew he could be. He has made real to me the truth of 1 Corinthians 12:23, “and the parts that we think are less honorable we treat with special honor. And the parts that are unpresentable are treated with special modesty.” I am embarrassed and ashamed that he has to do this for me. I used to be the one in charge of this for our family, and now it has to be done for me instead.

Here's the Thing: The only thing I know to do in order to improve my situation is to steward my thought life. The more time I spend in God’s Word, in prayer, in study the more, I hope, my mind will be filled with things that are good and perfect and pleasing to Him and the less awful, icky things that I would be embarrassed to fall out of my mouth will be in there.