My Thoughts are Falling Out


 Ever since my brain tumor and surgeries, my husband has stated time and time again that I am, "More Spunky." I've been trying to pay attention and figure out why this is. Turns out my personality hasn't changed, my filter has just become defective!


 We all have an internal thought life. As we look at things around us, our brain processes what we see, and we think about it. You might notice a beautiful sunset and admire the color palette in the sky. You might wonder why someone would wear that shirt with those pants. You might wish you were at home taking a nap instead of wherever you happen to be at the moment. This is completely normal and everyone does it, it's a part of how we experience the world. The challenge I happen to be facing is that my internal life is slipping into my external one. 


 On several occasions recently, I've caught myself by surprise as I realize that the thought I had intended to be inside my head had come out of my mouth instead! And we're not talking an under my breath whisper, this was in a normal, conversational voice. Thankfully, these have typically been polite observations like, "What a pretty dress," or, "They look sweet together!" But occasionally it's something that can be taken in a way I did not intend it.


 Last weekend, for example, we were playing a game as a family and having a conversation and my son mentioned reading a book. Knowing that he is not a big reader and wanting to emphasize to his audience how meaningful it was that he had read this particular book, I asked him, "How many books have you read?" He spent some time thinking about it and replied, "At least two." Now, it's the next part where my thoughts fell out of my mouth. I fully intended this to be an internal thought, but to my horror, and the horror of everyone at the table, I said, "Which ones?!?" Yep, that was a long and uncomfortable conversation after that as my family attempted to educate me on propriety and things that should not be said. Like I didn't know. And yet...
 One of the things I looked forward to about getting older was saying whatever I thought. I saw it as a rite of passage, a badge of honor. But this was something I admired in people 30+ years older than me. It's not so attractive in a 46-year-old! 

 So, what's a girl to do? I've tried, Lord knows I've tried, to button my lips and keep things inside. The slightest distraction, though, and things slip right out. And I become distracted so easily these days...

Here's the Thing: The only thing I can think of to do is work hard to curate my heart and my thoughts. If I only think nice, good things, then those are the only kinds of things that can fall out! No one is perfect though, so if you happen to be around me when my thoughts fall out of my mouth, please give me grace ❤️

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