Count Your Many Blessings!

“All day long my tongue will also tell about your justice, for those who want to harm me will be embarrassed and ashamed.”  Psalm 71:24

 The last couple of weeks have been rough. I knew that coming home from Disney World would be hard because I would need to recuperate, but I had no idea what else lay in store. The pain and exhaustion and uncertainty and emotional overwhelm has been intense! But you know what? In all of it I am still so very blessed! I’ve learned in life that what you focus on determines so much. I could be in Disney World with my whole family around me and be so focused on being stuck in a wheelchair that I miss out on all the fun. Or, I could be so in awe of how God put together such a perfect trip and feeling blessing upon blessing that I forget I’m in a wheelchair!

 The author of today’s Psalm could have whined about how they were under attack, but instead they focused on the blessing of God’s justice. They weren’t worried about defamation of character or slander because they knew that God would let things play out in such a way that they would be vindicated, maybe even honored. This is what happened in the story of Esther. The Jews, instead of being annihilated, overcame their enemies and were victorious. They could have sat at home, alone, bemoaning their fate as the king’s edict allowed their enemies to attack them, but instead, they banded together and defended themselves. One would think that their foe would count the cost, would see the numbers on each side and determine the wisdom of their actions, but it doesn’t seem that they did. Matthew Henry postulates that the enemies that came against the Jews were only the Amalekites, including Haman’s 10 sons, who were so enraged by Haman’s execution that they were out of their minds. They were fanatical, coming against their enemy regardless of wisdom. Alternately, it could be that the Jews conquered an equal or greater enemy force by the power of God’s mighty hand on them. Either way, it seems that the idea of coming against the Jews was frowned upon and not recommended based on the advice of Haman’s friends and wife the night before His demise.

 As I mentioned, this season has been hard, and I have been tempted to sink into depression. This is helped along by the curious coincidence that I decided to come off my anti-depressants right before all this came down. That wasn’t because I was against them or thought I didn’t need them, it was because of some pretty extreme side effects I was experiencing. As I was warned by my doctor, those side effects were amplified by withdrawal effects and things got pretty ugly. I’m happy to report that I’m on the down-swing now and those are a little less each day, but now I’m stuck with the depression. I was put on the medicine for a reason. So what am I going to do? Am I going to try yet another medication? This wasn’t the first one I had to switch off because of side effects. To be honest, I’m just not up for that again right now. We’ll see how it goes, but I feel like I need to detox from as much of my meds as possible. That leaves me with needing alternate methods for dealing with depression.

 I am blessed to have a wonderful therapist that I’ve been seeing for nearly seven years. She helps me stay on track. She prays for me. She points me to God and His truth instead of letting me spiral downward into “What-ifs.” I also feel like God has given me today’s lesson, “For such a time as this.” He started speaking it to my heart last week while I was at the beach, showing me that many of my posts lately had been heavy and that my blog could use a little joy. Turns out I could too! Writing about My Happy Place brought me joy. It lifted my eyes to the hills, where my help comes from – my help comes from the Lord! I want to stay there. I need to stay there!

 

 So, where am I really at? I am tired and in pain, a lot of pain, but I am provided for. I have the day today to rest, and tomorrow will take care of itself. Looking at my Visible chart, my most restful time yesterday was while I was in the dentist’s chair. That’s. Not. Normal. The dentist’s chair is a highly stressful place for me. And things didn’t go entirely well either. But God knew I needed rest, and He gave it to me where I least expected it. I rested more in the dentist’s chair than in the nap I took later that afternoon! So, I can trust that God will give me what I need, even when I don’t see how it will work into my schedule.

 I am so abundantly blessed by family! I am so thankful for the time we got to share on vacation this month and for how compassionate and thoughtful they’ve been since. If given the choice between a healthy family and a healthy body, I’d take the family any day! I am thankful for my relationships with my husband, my Mom, my brother, my kids, and their partners. I’ve spent time over the last two weeks looking at pictures from our trip and I am overwhelmed time and again by all the ways God provided. No, it wasn’t perfect – if it was I’d be suspicious 😂. But it was exactly what it was supposed to be.

 Yes, my husband has been laid off and his future career and our financial and healthcare provision is unknown – to us. But God has it fully in hand, I have no doubt. I see His fingerprints over this whole situation and I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that He has a plan and He’s working it out. He’s even been gracious enough to provide a good severance for us so we have some cushion in the waiting. That doesn’t stop my husband from panicking a little each morning when he wakes up, thinking maybe he should just take the next job that comes along, any job, so that we have a paycheck coming in. But then he takes a breath and remembers that God has promised to never leave us nor forsake us and we are covered.

 Yes, my mobility and joints are steadily degenerating. But I am so thankful for the things God allowed me to do while I could, and for His provision for them. Honestly, those memories are just a little sweeter knowing that God put them together in His perfect timing and allowed them to happen when I didn’t even know what was coming up that would prevent them in the future. God has given me so much, and I don’t think that’s coming to an end. He’s given me this blog as an outlet to share and process life, as a platform to advocate, and as a means to glorify Him and share the good news of His love and kindness for us. He’s provided for me through relationships, new and old, that point me to Himself and bring me joy. He’s given me a ministry through Love God Greatly where I get to support and love on women around the world. None of that requires me to walk a mile and all of that brings blessing upon blessing.

Here's the Thing: I have literally no idea what the future holds. A great deal of my plans and expectations have been redirected or cancelled entirely recently. But God. He knows exactly what’s ahead. He sees much more clearly than I what’s behind. What I do know is that my Heavenly Father has a future of blessing before me and I am looking forward to it!