Living Six Months At A Time

  I go six months in between MRIs to check on my brain tumor at this point. You might think that gives me a six month break in the worry, but it doesn't. My husband and I were discussing this in the car today, on the way home from a doctor's appointment of course, and what we decided is that it gives us about two months of, "Boy I'm glad that scan was clear." Followed by two months of, "Well, I'd better not book anything six months out because I don't know what the next scan will show." And finally two months of, "I wonder what the next scan will show? Are my symptoms worse? What will we do if it's worse? What if they say they just can't tell still?" 

 Living like that is exhausting! Both of us are so over it, but not sure how not to live it. It's not like we're actually caught up in worry. We've really handed things over to God and we trust Him for it, but the wondering has us in pretzels. Do you know what it's like to not be able to plan anything six months in advance or more because you don't know if you'll have to upend your life and start down a path of radiation that will likely lead to a slow march to the end? 

 I feel like I can't see much past May 11th. No, that's not when my next scan is, that's on April 21st. We've planned my major bucket-list trip this May with my family. When we planned it, we decided that even if the scans come back bad in April, we will still take the trip and start treatment after. So now, when anything comes up, my husband says, "I'll think about that after May." 

 I've mentioned here that I've been getting into learning about miles and points. I've been having a great time and really seeing a lot of benefit from it, but my husband has had a hard time fully supporting it. I don't think it's because he can't see the benefit, he could lay it out for you chapter and verse at this point. I think it's because he can't see a future of travel, and each time I do something it reminds him of this. If I tell him we have 150,000 points we can spend, all he can hear is the reminder that we may not spend it, and it may sit there haunting him.

 I've got just under four weeks until my next scan as I write this, much less once you read it. Before then I am praying that we will be able to find our "OK Place" in all this. Lord willing, I'll have another ten years of going back every six months and hearing that things are fine. I don't want to waste 2/3 of that time stuck in a rut of "I'll think about it after May." I desperately want to get out there and travel and see and do. I want to experience the world. Let's be honest, I want to sail on all of Norwegian's ships. I want to see the Baltics and the Mediterranean and South America and Australia! I really, really want to see Australia, and New Zealand too! There will be plenty of time, probably more than plenty, for sitting at home not going anywhere. Right now, while I still can, I want to go!

Here's the Thing: It's not just about me. My husband and I are a unit, now more than ever. WE need to come to a place of peace about this. WE need to learn to live more than six months at a time. WE need to embrace the possibility of a future, however short that future might be. I would very much appreciate your prayers as we navigate this season and I commit to letting you know where we land on all of it!