Dream a Little Dream With Me

 

 Dreaming.  Do you do it? I'm not taking about the crazy stuff your brain does when you're asleep. I'm talking about day dreaming, imagining possibilities, hoping for the future.  Having dreams is so important, even if they never come true. I've always had an active imagination.  Sometimes it gets me into trouble, but in this case it can be a real blessing!

 For a long while last year I couldn't dream of the future because I was afraid I wouldn't have one.  Picturing possibilities was just depressing because every time I thought of them, I thought of how I might die soon, and, well, that's depressing! You see, in June last year I was informed that my tumor had grown and, based on the measurements we had, it had grownsignificantly.  Prior to this I wasn't really aware that I was in any danger at all from my tumor.  Now I was told it was currently inoperable but dangerous enough that I was being sent to the Brain Tumor Center to see about radiation.  That was a huge surprise to me because I had been told previously that I wasn't a candidate for chemotherapy or radiation.  It felt like the world was turning on its head!

 Fast forward to June when we finally met the Brain Tumor Team.  Things started to get really topsy-turvy when I was told that my tumor was extremely rare and I began doing my own research.  I'm a research person at heart, so I'm not entirely sure why I didn't research my tumor sooner, except that I wasn't too concerned about it from what I had been told, I was recovering from pretty severe brain trauma so I wasn't thinking as I normally do, and maybe the Holy Spirit was just giving me a reprieve. As I gathered data and studies, I was amazed.  The more I learned, the more I realized we (people in general, especially doctors) really know very little about my tumor.  I read one case study (a study about one or a few people) that noted it was only the second reported finding of my tumor in my location EVER.  This study was published in 2018, so that startled me. But what really got me was the line I quoted at the top of this post.  I read that while on vacation with my husband and youngest son last August.  Yes, I read medical studies on vacation.  There's a lot of reasons behind why, but a big part of it is that's just who I am. When I read that, I cried.  That's notable because prior to that I had not cried about my situation since April and after that I couldn't seem to stop crying.  I finally realized this thing could kill me.  In fact, based on what I had read, it probably would within the next five years.  That's a lot to take in!

 So I got depressed and I couldn't dream for a while.  You might think that's to be expected, normal under the circumstances even, but my husband knew better.  He's known me almost my whole life, and he knew for me to stop dreaming was dangerous. So when an advertisement for Norwegian’s newest ship, the Luna, that would launch in April of 2026 came across his computer,  he had an idea.  He wanted to give me something amazing, something solid to look forward to.  So he came to me and told me to book us a really nice room on her maiden voyage! Now that's something I've never done before! Being the first person to sleep in a bed, eat off the china, see the new shows! That was something to look forward to! Now, he also told me to buy really goodtravel insurance, but that's to be expected 🤪. We are fondly referring to it as my, “I'm not dead yet trip.” Yeah, we have dark senses of humor in our house, but it's what keeps us laughing through the hard times.

 Something about that reservation kicked my hope for the future into gear and I was able to start dreaming again.  That was helped along by my Brain Tumor team deciding in October that they're not actually sure my tumor has grown at all.  I could be on the five year plan, or I could have an indefinite period ahead of me.  Of course, as it was before, only God knows for sure, but us silly humans like to think we have some insight into it. 

 So I was inspired once more to make the most of the time I have available to me, however long that is.  I learned in February of 2023 that tomorrow isn't promised and one phone call can change your life.  After my research, I now know that once I start down the path of treatment, likely starting with radiation, I will no longer be in any kind of shape to travel.  This has inspired me to do it while I can!

 My husband pushed and prodded and pressured and cajoled me into writing a bucket list, and I'm so glad he did, which went through several iterations before I settled on its current form. God has blessed me through my husband in innumerable ways, but often with his wisdom.  Most of the things on this bucket list involve special trips with my family, but there is also this little spark of “I want to see as much of the world as I can.”  I knew that cruising is both one of the most cost effective ways to travel as well as the easiest with my food allergies and physical disabilities, so I started there.  I'd like to travel more than my husband was comfortable being away from work, so in October of last year and January of this year I tried cruising solo.  It went very well and I had a great time, but due to some of my symptoms, my husband isn't super comfortable with that at this time.  So, he's looking into how he can best join me. 

 The cruise I took in October was purely a solo test.  It was on the same ship we'd sailed on in August to a destination I’d been to multiple times before.  The January cruise was one I’d been dreaming of for a long time, a transatlantic.  I grew up watching An Affair to Remember and I'd always wanted to sail across the ocean like that.  But apart from that I didn't know where else I wanted to cruise to. When I spent time in Europe though on my January cruise, it really inspired me to see and do more there.  I think it unlocked the possibilities of cruises from international ports. 

 Then this month, as my husband and I sailed through the Panama Canal to celebrate our 27^th wedding anniversary,  I had a little dream born in my mind.  What if… it seems impossible… but what if… no, it would be too expensive… but what if I could sail on ALL the different Norwegian ships?

How long would it take?  How much would it cost? And so, as always happens with me, a new spreadsheet was born.  I titled it,  “Cruise Dreaming,” and I've been working on it for about a week now. It started out with the different ships and just trying to go the cheapest I could, but that involved A LOT of Caribbean cruises and, as much fun as I had on our Caribbean cruise for our 25^th, I wasn’t really excited about going there over and over and over again.  Then I realized, “Duh, those ships go other places too!” So, my spreadsheet grew as I added sheets that listed the different destinations I was interested in and sheets that matched those to ships and sheets that put those on a timeline so I could see if it was possible to complete my goal before… well before I couldn't.

Here's the Thing: It doesn't really matter if I sail on all the Norwegian ships or not.  What really matters is I have something I’m interested in,  something to puzzle over, something to dream about.