The Rewind

 

“So the king gave the order, and Daniel was brought and thrown into a den of lions. The king consoled Daniel by saying, “Yor God whom you continually serve will rescue you!”  Daniel 6:16

Darius, the king, had an anxious night of waiting. He hoped that Daniel would be saved by his God, but he didn’t know for sure. If he did, he would have had peace and rested well.

The devotional author equated this to seasons of waiting in our own lives. I’m in a strange one. I have a brain tumor, that I’ve mentioned often before. I had a surgery last year that took out part of it, but was told that it would eventually grow. That began a season of waiting, that I thought had ended this spring when I was told that it had begun growing. We started down the path of treatment, seeking out a team, learning, and figuring out what treatment modality would best suit us. Then, this last Monday, we learned that the tumor had not actually grown at all! According to our new doctor, who uses different ways of comparing and measuring, the tumor is basically the same size it was after the surgery. So, somehow, we are now rewinding back into the season of waiting.

I’m not entirely sure how to do that! How do you “undo” processing? I was just figuring out how to be ok with where I was at, and it turns out I’m not actually there. It’s good news, and don’t get me wrong, I’m very grateful, but it’s very hard to figure out how to feel in it. Now I know a little of how it feels to be in a season of tumor progression. Now I know a little more of what is ahead of me. Now I can certainly feel more grateful for the time I have apart from it!

Here's the Thing: I’m very glad that I don’t have to do radiation right now. I’m very glad that the clock has been stopped, for the moment. I’m thankful for the breathing room. I’m also painfully more aware now of the future. I was living in blissful ignorance before, that innocence is stolen. There is a specter on the horizon that will haunt my future. But bigger than that specter is my God. He has a perfect plan, and I will trust in it completely. He has given me this time and I will rejoice in it.

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