I Can't Wear White Pants

 

“Come now, let us settle the matter,” says the Lord. “Though your sins are like scarlet, they shall be as white as snow; though they are red as crimson, they shall be like wool.”  Isaiah 1:18

 I messed up in my parenting a lot. I tried; really, really hard, but I still messed up a lot. And sometimes I messed up bad. My daughter has been so gracious in recent years. She has been willing to be honest with me about things that hurt her, ways that I didn't meet her needs as a child. She has been willing to converse, and to forgive. While it is not comfortable or fun, it's certainly not the most enjoyable part of our relationship (of which there are many), I think it might be the most important. We were making dinner together last month and I mentioned how much I enjoy cooking with her now. We did not enjoy cooking together when she was younger for a variety of reasons. I don't think I handled those reasons as well as I could have, and that weighs on me. It piles guilt and shame on my memories of her childhood. She met the comment head on and shared her hurt. But, in the same breath, she shared her forgiveness, and how she also enjoys cooking with me much more now.

 While it is wonderful to receive forgiveness from my daughter, it doesn’t wash away the stain of my sin. I’m so glad that she has forgiven me and desires continued, better, deeper relationship with me, but I still know that what I did is wrong, and it is still a part of my past. Being in the past means that I can’t change it. It’s done and over with and nothing I do now can go back and make it not have happened.

 On another note, I cannot wear white pants. Just can’t. In younger years, this had to do with my monthly cycle. No matter how careful I was, things happened. Talk about your sins being as red as crimson 😬. Then, about ten years ago, after four months of hemorrhaging, I had a partial hysterectomy. The road to get there wasn’t fun, and the recovery was worse, but I thought, “At least now I can wear white pants!” I was wrong. Turns out, I’m messy, clumsy and sloppy and having a hysterectomy doesn’t change that. No matter how hard I try, no matter how careful I am, I WILL stain my pants. Whether it’s spilling coffee, or dribbling red sauce, or brushing against something, I can’t wear them once without damage. The same seems to go for solid colored t-shirts 😞.

 Why am I sharing about my wardrobe issues today? Because I think it accurately reflects the state of my soul. No matter how hard I try, no matter how careful I am, I just keep sinning. Being a good mom was so very important to me. I can’t emphasize enough how much effort I put into it. I homeschooled my kids, all four of them, for 15 years. When one of them wanted to learn “botany” at 9 years old, we learned botany together. When they needed to learn Algebra 2, even though I never got that far in school, we learned Algebra 2 together (and I found out that I loved it!). When one of them wanted to learn Hindi, and there were no Hindi curriculums out there that I could buy, I learned Hindi and wrote my own curriculum. I TRIED! But, if they’re being honest, my kids will tell you that I messed up A LOT along the way. Sometimes, really badly.

“Come now, let us settle the matter,” God says to me. I hear it in the voice of my grandfather. Patient, calm, sure. It doesn’t have to be this way. I don’t have to be stuck in my sins, weighed down by the burden of my guilt and shame. But you can’t just flip a switch or wave a magic wand, you have to deal with it. You have to acknowledge the awful ickiness. You have to make eye contact and own it. I did that. I am so very sorry, but yes, I did that. And then, praise God (!), He washes it away. No matter how many marks and rubs and stains are on my pants, he makes them as white as snow. Don’t you love how the world looks when it is covered by a fresh blanket of snow? That’s just how your soul looks when God has washed you clean. His love covers a multitude of sins (1 Peter 4:8).

Here’s the Thing: I still can’t wear white pants. I’m still not going to get through life without sinning either. But praise God, He has covered all my sins, past, present and future. With one, amazing, powerful sacrifice, He took care of it all. He paid my debt and washed clean the stain of my sin. Thank You, Jesus!

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