11 Lies Disabled People Tell Themselves
Image Credit: ChatGPT
Today we continue with Disability Pride Month posts. A couple of weeks back, my super awesome cousin sent me a video on Instagram that made me choke up. It said some things I needed to hear, and maybe you do too, so I'm going to share them with you today. People who struggle with disability often tell themselves lies. I've found, as the speaker in this video did, that the best way to combat a lie is with the truth! Everything in quotes below is taken directly from the video and all credit for it goes to Moonlit_Kit.
#1
Lie: Maybe I'm just lazy
Truth: "Lazy people don't struggle to do the things they enjoy."
I can't tell you how often this lie pops into my head. As I'm sitting, resting on the couch, reflecting on how little I've accomplished in this day, I hear it echo in the back of my mind. "Maybe I don't really need to rest like this, maybe I'm just lazy." Kit's truth really hit home for me. There are A LOT of things I'd rather be doing! I'd love to be a travel agent. I'd love to be travelling! I wish I could fold our laundry the right way. I wish I could make a meal without ending up in tear-jerking pain. I'd love to be able to prep meals ahead and be able to put stuff up for the future! I wish I could take my dog for a walk. I wish I had the energy to go out with friends, to go to the zoo, to be social period. I get lonely. I get bored. I wish I could do the things I enjoy, but most of the time, I just can't. This doesn't mean I'm lazy, because if that was my struggle I'd do things I enjoyed and skip on those I don't. Realistically, it's the opposite for me. I have to do several things each day or week, like give myself a shot, that I really don't want to, but I do it.
#2
Lie: You don't deserve accessibility until you've tried everything you can on your own
Truth: "You deserve accessibility before you reach your breaking point."
Would you look at someone in a wheelchair and say they didn't deserve to use an elevator until they had pulled themselves out of the chair and used all the strength they could to try to go up the stairs on their own? No, of course not! Then why do we tell ourselves that we have to drain ourselves of every resource before we "deserve" to use the accessibility options available to us? I do it, on the daily. Sitting up at my desk HURTS. My back starts aching within 30 minutes, and once it hits a certain point it almost certainly triggers a migraine. Once I get so far, there's no turning back the clock and I'm stuck with whatever pain I'm in for the day. But for some reason, I feel like I need to sit up at my desk, "as long as I can," before I switch to sitting on the couch, with my back supported, often on a heating pad. Switching to the couch is one form of accessibility for me. Another is using a stool in the kitchen when prepping a meal. Why do I need to wait until the pain is so bad tears are dripping down my face before I "deserve" to sit down? And yet I fall into this mental trap over and over again.
#3
Lie: If you take time off to recuperate, you're just giving up
Truth: "Resting and taking down days to recover is not the same thing as giving up."
We all have situations come up in life that require more of us than we have to give on an average day. For people with disabilities and/or chronic illnesses, this means we need to recover. Depending on the expenditure, this can take days, weeks, or even months. I'm praying that I am recuperated from my Disney trip in May before my cruise in August. Right now, that's not looking really promising 😕. I've done what I thought was necessary to facilitate that: paring down my schedule and only going out a few times a week, cutting back on chores at home and making sure to rest most afternoons. Still, though, I'm not in much better shape than I was when we got back. I'm dealing with more migraine days than those without. My daily pain levels have increased since the trip and not returned to pre-trip levels. Was it worth it? Definitely! Would I do it again, I don't think I could right now if I wanted to 🥺. Resting isn't giving up, because it isn't an end point. I'm not sitting down on the couch - for the rest of my life. I'm resting for a season, for a purpose. I'm hoping and praying that I can return my body to its former baseline. I'm not looking for miraculous healing here, just a minor improvement.
#4
Lie: I shouldn't bother someone to help me because it would burden them
Truth: "Needing help doesn't make you a burden."
Did you ever look at your newborn who was hungry, or tired, or needed a diaper change and think, "Ugh! What a burden!"? I hope not! When you see someone with their arms full approaching a door do you avoid helping them because it would "burden" you too much? Of course not! The two greatest commands God gave us in the Bible were summarized by Jesus as Love God and Love others (Mark 12:28-34). Helping each other out, being there for someone in whatever way we can, is one of the clearest ways to show that love. Kit went on to say that needing help makes you human and when you express that need, people are more likely to open up to you and maybe even ask you for help at times. People are less likely to ask people for help who never ask for it themselves. Asking someone for help is almost like giving them permission to ask for it as well when they need it.
#5
Lie: You can't ask for help until you really need it
Truth: "You don't have to be at your absolute worst before you ask for help."
I can guarantee you, my husband would prefer that I ask for help before I climb up on the chair to reach the thing on the top shelf! In fact, the earlier in the process you recognize and seek the help you need, the better the results for everyone. Yesterday I was putting dinner together and as my husband came through the room I asked if he could clear out half of the sink for me to drain the pasta in and grate the parmesan that I really struggle with. He was happy to do it, and even happier that I had asked before the last minute when it was absolutely necessary and the pasta was almost ruined.
#6
Lie: You haven't earned that resource
Truth: "Accessibility is not a reward for suffering. It is a right."
When I first considered getting a wheelchair, this lie was front and center in my mind. I could still walk, so what was I doing considering using a wheelchair? The reality is that I have two permanently sprained ankles and walking more than half a mile can put me in severe pain for days, not even able to navigate my own home. This could be caused by something as simple as going on a big grocery shopping trip. In addition, the amount of energy it takes for my body to do something like grocery shopping is exponentially more than that used by the average person because my muscles are trying to do their jobs as well as stand in for faulty tendons and ligaments, brain fog adds energy expenditure as I struggle to maintain a thought or decide which direction to go, and all of this is done with at least a minimal base pain level, what most people would experience with a bad tooth or headache, if not much more than that. Yes, I could still walk, but using a wheelchair for times where extensive walking is required would enable me to do things that I otherwise couldn't, things I had had to bow out of or ask for help with. Using a wheelchair wasn't something I had to earn by reaching the end of my rope, it was a tool I had a right to access.
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#7
Lie: You should never cause others to go out of their way
Truth: "Your body and your health are allowed to be a priority even when it inconveniences other people."
I used to feel like I couldn't ask for what I needed if it would cause someone else any trouble at all. I would suck it up. I would go hungry. I would bite my cheek through the pain. I would do anything other than trouble someone else. I still struggle with this inclination. A few weeks back my husband and I were volunteering at a local food pantry. I had been on my feet on the concrete for over an hour and I was in real, deep pain. Someone offered me a chair, and I declined. I didn't want to be a bother. I didn't want to look different than those around me. Thankfully, they didn't take "No" for an answer and between them and my husband I was soon seated. Good thing too, because even with that my pain was to the point of causing extreme nausea before we left. Could I have asked for a chair sooner? Yes! Could I have brought my own wheelchair so I would have the cushion and support I need? Yes! Did I? No. I didn't want to be an inconvenience. I've got to get over that! Realistically, would the food pantry staff rather have a person show up with the accommodations they need already taken care of (like by bringing my wheelchair) and be able to serve or have the person not be able to serve? That seems like a no-brainer, so why do I argue with myself, and my husband, whenever I face this dilemma?
#8
Lie: If you want it, you've just got to try harder!
Truth: "Thriving is not about pushing harder, it's about adjusting sooner"
God does not call us to a base line of bare survivability. He doesn't want us to just get by, He wants us to thrive! He has so much good in mind for us! Just look at Psalm 1:1-3, John 10:10 and Ephesians 3:17-19 if you need some assurance of this. God has abundantly more in store for us than we could ever ask or imagine (Ephesians 3:20). There is not one verse in the Bible that tells you that if you just try harder, then you'll earn your worthiness. In fact, quite to the contrary, God's Word encourages us to submit, to trust, to look to Him for that which we could never earn (Romans 3:10-12, 21-24). When I used to say that I had good days and bad days, I meant days that I hurt and days I didn't. Oftentimes those bad days were direct results of pushing harder, as I thought I was supposed to. Nowadays, when I say I'm having a good day it means I am acknowledging my limits, adjusting as I go, and asking for help when needed. A good day is one in which I balance the resources God has so richly blessed me with in a way that honors Him and brings Him glory. He isn't glorified by me crashing and burning for weeks!
#9
Lie: If you use a mobility aid, like a wheelchair or cane, you've given up.
Truth: "If you need things like mobility aids, that does not mean you gave up, that means that you adapted and purposefully kept going."
If I sat at home because I was unable to walk around Disney World, that would be giving up. Using the mobility aid I needed, my wheelchair, enabled me to keep going and do and participate in life to the fullest. Choosing to use my resources is choosing not to give up!
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#10
Lie: People will think more of you if you don't show your pain
Truth: "Your worth is not measured in how much pain you can hide."
Yep, this was and is a hard one for me to wrap my head around. I've always been proud of how little I let people around me know what I was feeling. Like earlier lies I discussed, I didn't want to inconvenience them or make them feel uncomfortable. I didn't want to be a bother. I definitely didn't want to sound like a whiner! It's been a long a painful road, irony intended, but I'm realizing that being honest about how I'm feeling is more, well, honest. It's important to be real in life. In addition, I am not more worthy of love, nor do I have more value, if I keep my pain to myself. I thought it made me brave, made me strong, made me admirable. I thought that by keeping my pain as hidden as possible from those around me, I was taking care of them and showing them love. I couldn't have been more wrong. You see, pain catches up to you eventually, and if your loved ones were in the dark about it, it can be quite a shock. When you let people in on what you are experiencing it opens the doors for help and accessibility, it gives people a place to identify with you and be free to share their own experiences, and it adds truth to your story. How inspired would you be by someone's story when they shared that they had been in pain for years but God healed them when you had no idea they were in pain at all? Maybe a little. Now, if you had walked alongside someone for years as they struggled with pain, if you had seen them try their hardest even when things seemed impossible, if you had witnessed them live their pain honestly without complaint, and then saw them healed, which is the better testimony? And finally:
#11
Lie: You just need to bear the pain you're given and live with it.
Truth: "You deserve to live comfortably instead of just surviving painfully."
Here's where Kit and I deviate a smidge. We often hear people say they "deserved" a promotion or they didn't "deserve" the way they were treated. Do I "deserve" to live comfortably? I'm not so sure. I have done nothing to earn it, if that's your measure. Then again, I'm not aware of anything I did to deserve pain either, so there's that. My husband for years was fond of the saying, "Suck it up, Buttercup!" In fact, my youngest entertained the idea of tattooing it on his arm at one point. Somehow in our society we developed the idea that struggling in silence is praiseworthy, that seeking help is a sign of weakness. But if there is a medication that will help you with your symptoms, there is no shame in taking it! If there is a mobility aid that could prevent you from pain, or even just decrease it, that's what they are there for! If there is some small way that those around you could step in and help that would make a big difference in your life, JUST ASK! Setting aside the word, "deserve," I completely agree that Jesus didn't call us to just survive, to barely eek out an existence, clawing our way through life. Jesus came that we might have life and have it more abundantly (John 10:10)!
Here's the Thing: I wish that the things stated in this video weren't shocking. I wish they didn't side-swipe me and make me tear up when I heard them. I wish that these were truths I lived by, that were evidenced in my life. I'm not there yet. In fact, I had to wrestle through more than a few of these explanations along the way. But I think these are truths that are important for us to be confronted with, to be shocked over, to be a little triggered by. It's important for us to face the truth.
Here's the full video, you'll need to have an Instagram account to see it, I think. Listen carefully!
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