Even If

 In my youth and my young adulthood, I was a slave to the "What-ifs." "What if my husband doesn't make it home from work?" "What if my child falls ill?" "What if we run out of food on the table when company is over?" I combatted these fears with plans.  If my husband was 20 minutes late on his way home from work, mind you his commute could range in length from an hour and fifteen minutes to three hours,  I had his memorial service planned, I had figured out what job I was going to try to get and had figured out child care.  I think that was my meager effort to control what was truly out of my control.  

 Then, as I approached middle-agedness, my anxiety began to increase. I could no longer plan my way out of my fears. They were things like,  "What if my kids don't want to have anything to do with me as adults?" I didn't know what I would do, how I would handle it, what could fix it. I struggled with anxiety and depression spirals. A friend referred me to her counselor, whom I've been seeing ever since. For nearly 7 years now she's been teaching me to turn my "What-ifs" to "Even-ifs."

 Instead of saying,  "What if my kids don't want to be a part of my life? " She teaches me to say,  "Even if my kids aren't in my life, I'll be ok because God will provide for me." I'm not gonna lie, this shift took a long time for me, years really.  But today I'm experiencing it as more and more of a reality. 

 This morning I'm sitting in the hospital waiting to do my 6-month MRI. The old me is tempted to plan out the strategies for every possible outcome.  What if it's grown (my brain Tumor)? What if we have to do radiation? What if they want to change treatment paths entirely? What if I have to get a new doctor? What if this is my last "normal" morning? What if I get sicker? What if I die? But thankfully, the old me isn't in charge anymore. Now, the new me steps in and says,  "STOP!"

 Even if hard things happen today, God is with me in them. Nothing surprises Him. He knew everything that would happen today before I was even born, and He's had a plan to handle them all along. Many things may have been actively in place and coming together for years leading up to this very day. 

 Even if my tumor has grown, I will still be held in His loving embrace, and He will walk with me through every step of my path. 

 Even if I am told they can't tell for sure what's happening, again, I can rest in the knowledge that God knows for sure exactly what's happening and he has the perfect course of treatment already in place for me. 

 Even if I have to do radiation, God will walk with me through it, and after it, caring for me and using it for His glory. 

Even if...

 It's so much freer than "What-if." Instead of a cage, it's a warm cup of coffee and a hug. 

 I'm reminded of the story of Shadrach, Meshack and Abednego (Rack, Shack and Benny to the Veggie-Tales informed). When faced with the threat of being thrown into the fiery furnace,  they said,  "If we are thrown into the blazing furnace, the God whom we serve is able to save us. He will rescue us from your power, Your Majesty. But even if he doesn’t, we want to make it clear to you, Your Majesty, that we will never serve your gods or worship the gold statue you have set up.” (Daniel 3:17-18, emphasis mine). They knew what God could do, but they didn't know what He would do. Still, they chose to obey Him. 

Here's the Thing: Today, as I sit in the waiting room before heading into my MRI,  I know that God could make my tumor disappear. I know that He could heal me completely. But even if He doesn't, I still believe in Him. I still love Him. I still trust Him. Because I know the He will never leave me, never forsake me (Deuteronomy 31:6-8, Hebrews 13:5, Joshua 1:9, Matthew 28:20, and lots more!)