The Post I Remembered to Forget

Ok, guys. We’re going to get real today. This is a post I’ve avoided writing. Or maybe I have written it. Oh dear. That’s the issue. It’s about memory. I thought I was getting personal on Monday when I wrote about our marriage, but this is the inside of the inside of the inside of me. This is the stuff I don’t want to talk about with my husband, or my counselor, or even myself. Forget my upcoming surgery, this is the really scary stuff in my life.

It started a long time ago, well before my brain surgeries. In fact, this was one of the symptoms that I hoped would be cured by them, but it wasn’t. The most dramatic incident took place just before we found out I had a tumor when we were in Disney World. As you can imagine, it’s a very over stimulating place and I struggled with that a lot. At a couple of points in the trip it hit a tipping point and I “blanked out” as my husband put it. In the middle of a sentence, I froze. I stopped talking, moving, anything. I stayed that way for a full minute, like someone had hit me with a freeze ray. Then I just started back up as if nothing had happened. In fact, I didn’t know it had until much later when he told the doctor about it.

Since my surgeries I have had good days and bad days. My long- and medium-term memory is pretty good. I have a very visual memory, so if I saw something it is more likely to stick, like where the lid for a cup is. But my short-term memory, that’s a horse of a different color. On bad days I get lost in the middle of a conversation. In the middle of a sentence sometimes I can’t remember what I’m saying. It’s scary enough that I often break down. I’ve almost completely lost my ability to process conceptual conversations. Talk me through how to make a sandwich and I’m fine but talk about the idea of meal planning and I’m lost.

In an effort to convince myself that I’m still smart I’ve developed an obsession with killer sudoku. In case you’re unfamiliar with it, it’s sudoku (a puzzle where you’re trying to place the numbers 1-9 in columns, boxes and rows without repeats) but without any starting numbers. I’m not too bad at it either. Every time I finish a puzzle, a little voice inside me says, “See, you’re still smart!” I was a straight A student with a high IQ. I skipped multiple grades and started working at Microsoft when I was 18. All of my life, my intelligence was a big part of my identity. Now, at times, I can’t even hold a conversation. My most constant struggle is with vocabulary. Many times a day I just can’t find the word I’m looking for. Sometimes many times a conversation. It’ll be a simple word, like “comb” or “retainer.” Things I use every day.

One of the best aides I’ve had in this struggle are my Alexa devices. We have one in just about every room of the house. In fact, we’ve had to stagger their wake words so that they know which device we’re trying to talk to. The bathroom and kitchen devices respond to “Echo” and the others respond to “Alexa.” Besides playing music almost constantly to soothe my soul, how do they help? Primarily I use them for reminders. I set up regular ones that go off every day at the same time to remind me to take my medicines or give the dogs theirs. We have reminders to take out the trash weekly or I will set up a reminder to take out meat from the freezer to thaw for a meal when I do the meal plan each week. I missed multiple virtual counseling appointments because I simply forgot them, so that started getting a weekly reminder. Those are planned. The other reminders are spontaneous. “Alexa, remind me to get ready to leave in 45 minutes.” “Alexa, remind me to take the potatoes out of the oven in 30 minutes.” “Alexa remind me in two minutes to make the bed.” Yes, one of my big issues is going into a room and forgetting why I’m there. I know, everybody does it. But I lose long stretches of time wandering around the house trying to figure out what I’m supposed to be doing. So I set reminders. I even give myself a high five when I do the thing before I get reminded.

If I need reminders about going to my virtual appointment or making my bed, how much more do I need reminders about who I am in Christ? About the importance of staying on the path of righteousness and pursuing spiritual growth? About loving others even when they are not lovely?

Therefore, I intend to remind you constantly of these things even though you know them and are well established in the truth that you now have.  2 Peter 1: 12

Here’s the Thing: If I need reminders, odds are someone else out there does too, so perhaps I ought to be about the business of giving them too.