Dumb Things People Say to People in Wheelchairs

Yet another post told in memes, not because it's funny, but because if I don't laugh, I'll cry...

On a recent trip to Texas, I experienced several of the more "tropish" interactions of being an ambulatory wheelchair user and I thought I'd take the opportunity to share so that you can avoid making someone feel like I did. Ableism, it's a thing. It's real. People don't realize they have it. Educate yourself!

"You're walking! It's a miracle!" 

 So, I'm sitting on the shuttle to the airport and my husband loads my wheelchair on. The driver looks around with a confused expression and asks, "Whose wheelchair is that?" I awkwardly raise my hand and he throws his hands up in the air and says, "It's a miracle!" I think he thought he was being funny. He wasn't. The reality is, if I couldn't get out of my wheelchair we couldn't use their service because IT IS NOT ACCESSIBLE. Shame on them, not on me for knowing my limits and choosing to use a mobility device so that I'm not stuck at home all the time. Ambulatory wheelchair users are real and are valid. Not all wheelchair users are paralyzed. 

"I wish I could sit down and have someone push me around!"

 We were waiting in line for breakfast and a young mom who had two kids in a stroller looked at me and actually said this. I'd seen it in memes, but never heard it myself until then, and I couldn't believe someone would be so thoughtless. How did I react? Of course, I tried to explain to her that she did not, indeed, want to be in my situation. Did she believe me? No. I think all she could see was her exhaustion and all she put into pushing those little kids around, wishing someone would care for her like that. I sympathize with her, and I want all those things for her. But boy, I wish I could take back the hurt and invalidation I felt when she said that.

What happened to you?

 While you might think you're just showing interest, in reality, this is an incredibly personal question. It would be like saying, "Which of your parents had that horrible nose?" or, "How do you go to the bathroom?" In my case, I believe the person was asking because of their follow-up statement that comes next, but it really doesn't matter. It's never polite to ask someone why they are in a wheelchair, never.

"If you just take this essential oil, you'd be cured!"

 

 You see, Sam really thought he could help me. He thought he had the magic cure.

 Spoiler alert, he didn't. You see, I'm pretty well educated on my medical conditions. So is the extensive team of doctors that I have working with me. Odds are, if taking turmeric and black pepper oil would cure this, someone would have mentioned it by now! You wouldn't believe how many people think that they have the magic cure you've been looking for. Having to fake-politely accept their advice, or try to argue with them that they actually have no understanding of your condition, is never fun. 

"You don't look sick"

 Or there's the classic:

 I know people are probably just trying to be nice when they say this, but it is truly invalidating. It makes somebody feel like they have to prove their illness to you, like you don't believe them because you can't see it.

 You can tell someone they look nice without having it be a dig. Try, "Boy, your hair looks pretty today!" or, "What a nice outfit!" Not, "I can't tell by looking at you that you're in excruciating, unending pain and haven't slept well for years. Are you sure?" This is probably the one I hear the most. That along with, "Well, at least you look good!" Like that is supposed to make me feel better. It doesn't. It just makes me feel unseen and unbelieved, again. 

Or when they don't talk to you at all

 Have you ever approached a person in a wheelchair and their companion pushing them, and addressed your questions to their companion? Have those questions ever directly related to the person in the wheelchair? Yikes! In case you didn't know, being in a wheelchair means you have mobility issues, not hearing or cognitive issues. Now, those things could be true as well, but usually people with those additional disabilities are used to how to cope with when someone speaks to them. You are ALWAYS better off addressing someone in a wheelchair directly about things that involve them. "What would she like to drink?" "I don't know, why don't you ask her?"

Here's the Thing: You may have noticed a touch more saltiness in this post. This is definitely a sore spot for me and one I'm still learning to deal with, with grace. My disability is still new enough to me that I'm not secure in it. I still question myself all the time, then these types of statements make it SO MUCH WORSE! I'll leave you with a couple of more videos by the lovely Jessica Kellgren-Fozard that flesh out the issue much better.