I'm Independent! I Can Do It Myself!

 We smirk at the toddler stomping in the kitchen saying she can do it, "By Myself!" We shake our head at the senior citizen driving by braille down the road. But we each have a bit of an independent streak in us. We'd like to think that we can handle things on our own, that we don't need help. And when it gets suggested that maybe we shouldn't be doing something, watch out!

 I've always been pretty fiercely independent. Yes, I'll ask for help to get something down up high, if someone's handy or I might get caught climbing on the counter 😏. When I was recovering from brain surgery, I was willing to let my husband carry out the grocery shopping, mainly because I literally wasn't physically capable of it. And yes, if there is ANYONE else in the house, I will holler for them to come take care of a spider. But do not tell me what to do, or worse, what I can't do.

 My husband has learned this the hard way over the years. He's developed a careful dance of letting me crash into a brick wall and then being ready to pick me up, dust me off, and help me with what I wouldn't accept in the first place. He knows if he tells me in the beginning, I'll just dig in my heels like a goat that you can't budge. I have to fail first before I'm ready for him to step in.

 I think maybe I'm going soft in my old age because I'm starting to recognize earlier when I need help, and I'm a little more willing to accept it. For example, I realized that when my double vision was really bad, and I was actually bumping into walls when I walked, I probably shouldn't be driving. But as soon as things started to balance out and I got the feel for it, I not only drove myself, but I actually drove my husband's Tundra for the first time! 

 Today, as I was driving home from yoga class and coffee with friends, I was appreciating the gift of being able to drive myself and acknowledging that it's not something I'll always be able to do. It's a sunny, spring morning and cruising along the back roads between my house and the Y felt so freeing. I didn't have to rely on my husband to take me where I needed to go. I didn't have to interrupt his schedule for one more appointment. I was able to say, "yes," to a coffee invite without messing up his workday. You just don't know how wonderful that feels until it's no longer available. I can't drive myself long distances and my husband has to arrange his work schedule to get me to appointments in The City, but I can get around my neighborhood during the day. I don't know how long that gift will be available to me, but I will appreciate it while I have it! 

 Over the last few weeks, God has been whispering in my ear and preparing me for a tough one. A few years back the tough transition was admitting I needed a wheelchair in order to get around for long distances. I felt like a fraud. I was a person who could walk using a wheelchair. Granted, when my ankle is flared I can't even walk the length of my house, and it gets flared by overuse, so I have to limit my walking, but I can walk. And then, once I started using the chair, I hit a new snag of not wanting to get out of it. Guess what kind of looks you get from people when you stand up from a wheelchair and start walking! To be fair, I had never heard of an ambulatory wheelchair user until shortly before I became one. I probably would have given someone the same look when they stood up from their wheelchair a few years ago. We started out by renting a manual wheelchair. I didn't take long to figure out you could buy one for about the same cost as renting one for a month. When I realized I was unable to propel the wheelchair myself because it caused my shoulders to separate from their sockets, I started campaigning for a power wheelchair. I didn't like being stuck and not able to go places on my own. I'm sure you can understand. My amazing, wonderful, generous husband bought me a chair to try and when it turned out to be much less than what we wanted, he helped me return it and purchase a really nice one! That chair saw me through my first trip to Disney World, on a few cruises, and around Costco and other places nearby until it's sad demise at the hands of the airline. Honestly, since it has been replaced I haven't used it that much. I'm uncomfortable flying with it for fear of it being damaged and it's too unwieldy for regular use at home. That and I've been trying to do more walking to help balance my blood sugar. When we got ready for our trip to Las Vegas, we discussed whether to bring the manual or the power chair. The deciding factors were not wanting the power chair damaged before our Disney trip and being concerned about trying to navigate in tight spaces and with crowds. You see, navigating a wheelchair on it's own isn't very hard, but when you throw in a bunch of people all around you that like to randomly cross in front of you without warning or stand in groups in the middle of the path, it gets complicated. So we opted to bring the manual chair to Las Vegas. Recently, I've been considering our upcoming Disney trip and which chair would be best...

 Last time we were in Disney World, I used my power chair. I also struggled with extreme overstimulation that led to absence seizures. It's really hard to say whether I am mentally and/or physically doing better than I was at that time. A week after returning from our Florida trip in 2023 I was diagnosed with a brain tumor that was likely causing much of the challenges I was facing. The thing is I still have that brain tumor. It might be smaller now. It might not. Hard to say with the limitations on MRI imaging. Of late, on a good day at home, I am experiencing memory loss, brain fog, dizziness, balance issues, vocabulary loss, migraines, neuropathy in my limbs, and vision issues. Throw into that the EXTREME stimulation of Disney World and I could be in trouble. Since we began planning this trip, we had expected me to use my power chair, but about a week ago I approached my husband with the thought, "What if we brought the manual chair instead?" You see, I've been listening to the Holy Spirit and He's been pointing out to me the purpose of this trip. It's not to show how much I know about Disney or how well I can lead everyone. It's not to try to keep up with the kids, Lord knows I couldn't do that before the chair. The point of the trip is to make memories with my family. In order to do that, I need to be present. I need to have the mental and social capacity to engage with my group, to talk and hang out, to experience things together. If I'm driving around my power chair, that's what I have to focus on. I need to try not to run children over who jump out in front of me and to not roll off the curb and fall in the street. I need to try to match my pace with those around me and anticipate directions. I need to know where we're going, the best way to get there, and avoid all the bumps, dips, holes, stairs, etc. It's a lot to keep in your head, and it takes away from what else you can process and do. I decided my time with my family was more important to me than my independence. 

Here's the Thing: I can drive my power chair around Disney myself, taking myself where I want to go, when I want to go. But if I do, there won't be much of me left to enjoy Disney with my family. I choose my family over my independence. But that doesn't mean it's not hard.