Fences That Set Me Free

 

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 A wise pastor in my past shared with us a story about a study that was conducted. They watched children at a large park. There was a play structure in the middle and fields with grass and trees all around it. They noticed that the children stuck pretty close to the play structure in the middle, hardly playing in the grass at all. A fence was put up around the park and the kids spread out! Next thing you know, the kids are climbing the fence. They're running all over the grass, climbing the trees, having a grand-old time. You see, the kids weren't comfortable at first because they didn't know where the boundaries were, they didn't know what was ok. Once the fence was up and gave definition to the "safe space" they felt free to spread out and play. 

 When my children were little, a godly woman whose advice I greatly respected introduced me to the concept of boundaries. I guess I wasn't ready yet because I didn't dive into it. The book just sat on my shelf for many years while I went about saying, "Yes" to anything that was asked of me and destroying my health and happiness along the way.

 Over a decade later, the idea of boundaries was brought back up to me. I honestly can't remember now who reminded me of it. My counselor? A friend? Something at church? In any case, I promptly sat down and read through the book and reveled at all the insights it brought. Over and over, it suggested that I study the concept with a few close friends, but I didn't have anyone in my life that I felt like fit that description, so I kept on with it by myself. I got to the end, felt like I had learned it all, but craved a little more direction in its implementation. So I went out and bought the workbook. Again, I encountered the admonition that I should complete the program with others alongside me. I prayed about it and had a couple of names brought to mind. I approached them and, to my surprise, they were open to walking this road with me! That was such a beautiful season! We worked through the book at our pace, not feeling like we had to complete a chapter in a certain time but taking the time we needed to work through the hard bits. They were so supportive and held me accountable for the things I was learning and committing to change. Here I thought I had learned all the book had to teach, but as I slowed down and did the activities in the workbook for each chapter, it was almost as if I hadn't ever read it before! 

 

 This time, when I finished the book, I recognize that my learning had just begun. I knew that these concepts would take a lot of practice. It would also be valuable to refresh my memory regularly so that the important things I learned wouldn't fade into the background. I have a calendar reminder to go over the summary chapter at the end of the book each month. In all honesty I don't do this every month, but I do try to get to it a few times a year. It's so easy to loose sight of goals and things you've decided for yourself if you don't make a point of following up. Here's a little insight to what this review looks like for me this year:

Step 1: Resentment - Our Early Warning Signal

One of the first signs that you’re beginning to develop boundaries is a sense of resentment, frustration, or anger at the subtle and not-so-subtle violations in your life. (1)

 One way I see this in my life is my reaction recently to people assuming my daughter was not a part of our family because of the color of her skin. In the past I would have brushed it off or covered it up. Now, I speak about it. 

Step 2: A Change of Tastes—Becoming Drawn to Boundary-Lovers

As boundary-injured individuals begin developing their own boundaries, however, a change occurs. They become attracted to people who can hear their no without being critical. (2)

I LOVE our small group. They never make anyone feel bad for not coming, but they still make a point of welcoming everyone warmly. They've even folded my youngest son in and made him feel like an appreciated, contributing adult. I've lived under guilt from people when I couldn't be everywhere at once. This has shamed me into doing more than I should, stretching myself further than is healthy, and dragging my kids along with me. Now this type of guilt is a waving red flag. That gets thrown out and I extricate myself from the situation as quickly as possible. I don't have energy to waste on that anymore!

Step 3: Joining the Family

We begin growing in boundaries in our present relationships or finding new attachments in which to invest, or both. (3)

 When I began this journey of learning to live with boundaries, I was pretty alone in it. I was the only one I knew reading the book and I didn't even have someone to talk to about it. God put on my heart to reach out to a few precious friends to walk through this learning with and it was such a blessing. Since then, my family has become boundary-believers so to speak. It's a regular part of how we talk to and interact with each other. My husband has bought and distributed more copies of this book than any other besides the Bible!

Step 4: Treasuring Our Treasures

You will begin to see that taking responsibility for yourself is healthy, and you will begin to understand that taking responsibility for other adults is destructive. (4)

 Most of my adult life I felt like because I was capable (I thought) of manipulating others into making good choices, I was responsible for their choices. I thought that if someone I loved got upset, it was my job to calm them down and if they lost their temper entirely and did something they shouldn't, it was my fault because I hadn't interceded well enough. I've learned now that this is an unhealthy coping mechanism I developed in my childhood to help me feel like I'm in control of uncontrollable situations. Now I know that I am responsible for my choices and no one else's. If I overdo during a day, that's not because my husband didn't stop me, it's because I didn't choose to take the feedback I was receiving from my body and my tools and prioritize my health.

Step 5: Practicing Baby Nos

Growth in setting emotional boundaries must always be at a rate that takes into account your past injuries. (5)

 Over the last few years I feel like I'm growing past the baby stage on this and starting to feel more ok saying, "No." At least I'd like to think that. And then I remember how hard it is to let my son know that I'm going to rest in bed instead of hanging out with him or my week is full and I don't have room to have my mom over for a game. I still say, "no" most of the time, but I feel really bad when I do it and sometimes I end up reversing my "no". I guess I still need practice!

Step 6: Rejoicing in the Guilty Feelings

As strange as it may seem, a sign that you’re becoming a boundaried person is often a sense of self-condemnation, a sense that you’ve transgressed some important rules in your limit setting. (6)

 So I guess my guilty feelings from the last step were actually good! It shows that I'm stepping forward in living with healthy boundaries and not being ruled by the internal judge who sees wrongs where they aren't really present. I just need to recognize these feelings for what they are and not let them take back over, determining my actions.

Step 7: Practicing Grown-up Nos

By this time, those frightening major nos have been prepared for over time with lots of work and practice. (7)

This is my biggest challenge, but one I'm becoming more comfortable with. I'm seeing the value and benefit of living with boundaries, and I see that it's not just for me. This helps me when I feel like I'm letting down people I really care about. My relationships are better than they ever have been. I'm not feeling like I'm juggling a bunch of people's preferences and trying to make everyone happy. Now, when I spend time with you, you can know that it is where I want to be and I've made you a priority in my life. I'm not just there because I feel like I should or I'm trying to avoid conflict.

Step 8: Rejoicing in the Absence of Guilty Feelings

You can take this step now that you have shifted allegiance spiritually and emotionally. You have changed from listening to your internal parent to responding to the biblical values of love, responsibility, and forgiveness. (8)

I'm not sure I've made it this far yet. I do stand amazed occasionally that things have worked out as they have with a situation that I expected to be difficult, but people have responded well to. It's like people have accepted who I am, where I'm at, and what I need. Can't help but wonder if my recent health journeys have had some effect on that!

Step 9: Loving the Boundaries of Others

When we can love and respect the boundaries of others, we accomplish two things. First, we genuinely care for another person because we gain nothing by helping someone tell us no... The second advantage in loving others’ boundaries is that it teaches us empathy. It shows us that we need to treat others as we would like to be treated: (9)

When I started counselling six years ago, my counselor asked me what the worst thing I could imagine was. My answer was my kids growing up and wanting nothing to do with me. It was a really good thing that I started working with my counselor when I did. She helped me walk through owning my own stuff and letting other people own theirs. She helped me learn to be myself for the sake of being myself and not trying to win anyone over. God used her to teach me that my relationship with Him was the only one I couldn't live without. This made room in my relationships with my kids for us to be ourselves without guilt or expectation. This winter my middle son sounded really anxious and sad when he told me that he wasn't going to be able to be home on Christmas, he had to work. 2018 me would have crumpled at this news and desperately tried to maneuver whatever had to happen to bring the family together on Christmas Day. 2024 me took the news in stride. He followed it up with coordinating a weekend visit with him and his girlfriend the weekend before Christmas. I reached out to the rest of the family and we put together a family Christmas celebration on the 20th. Just like home is where the heart is, Christmas is when you celebrate it. By learning to set and hold my own boundaries I have demonstrated to my kids that it is totally acceptable for them to do the same. I stand by that 100%, even if it means I miss out on things I'd like sometimes. 

Step 10: Freeing Our No and Our Yes

when you are as free to say no to a request as you are to say yes, you are well on the way to boundary maturity. There’s no conflict, no second thoughts, no hesitation in using either word. (10)

Boundary-injured individuals make promises and then do one of two things: (1) They resentfully make good, or (2) they fail on the promise. Boundary-developed people, however, make good freely and gladly. Or they don’t promise at all. (11)

 In this section, the authors share that people with healthy boundaries say, "No" when they are unsure about a request - maybe they're not sure they have enough time, money, or energy for the request. People with unhealthy boundaries say, "Yes" and then have to scramble to fulfill something that may have been outside of their desires, comfort, or even abilities. This can lead to resentment and worse. 

 I've definitely gotten better about saying "yes" or "no" appropriately. When I'm tempted to agree to something that is beyond my "spoons" or "pace points" my husband or youngest son are typically right there to remind me to be certain of my limits before agreeing to anything. They are certainly helping me grow in this area!

Step 11: Mature Boundaries—Value-Driven Goal Setting

After all, the ultimate goal of learning boundaries is to free us up to protect, nurture, and develop the lives God has given us stewardship over. (12)

My relationships with my husband, my mother, and my kids have never been better. I feel valued and loved by them and, in turn, I am able to express my love for them in ways that are truly healthy and valuing of us both. They don't have to worry about asking me for something because they can trust that if its outside of my ability I will say, "No." I get to do so much more with them all now instead of "having to" do things. I truly enjoy my time with them!

Here's the Thing: Learning to live with healthy boundaries isn't something that happens overnight. I've grown so much in this, and yet I have so much more to grow in. It's a really important practice to regularly take stock of where I'm at with this and where I still need to focus.

 If this is something you'd be interested in learning more about, you can get the book in various formats on Amazon. I'd be happy to answer any questions you might have in the comments!

(1) Cloud, Henry; Townsend, John. Boundaries Updated and Expanded Edition (p. 302). Zondervan. Kindle Edition. 

(2) Cloud, Henry; Townsend, John. Boundaries Updated and Expanded Edition (p. 304). Zondervan. Kindle Edition. 

(3) Cloud, Henry; Townsend, John. Boundaries Updated and Expanded Edition (p. 305). Zondervan. Kindle Edition. 

(4) Cloud, Henry; Townsend, John. Boundaries Updated and Expanded Edition (p. 306). Zondervan. Kindle Edition.

(5) Cloud, Henry; Townsend, John. Boundaries Updated and Expanded Edition (p. 309). Zondervan. Kindle Edition.  

(6) Cloud, Henry; Townsend, John. Boundaries Updated and Expanded Edition (p. 309). Zondervan. Kindle Edition.

(7) Cloud, Henry; Townsend, John. Boundaries Updated and Expanded Edition (p. 311). Zondervan. Kindle Edition. 

(8) Cloud, Henry; Townsend, John. Boundaries Updated and Expanded Edition (p. 312). Zondervan. Kindle Edition. 

(9) Cloud, Henry; Townsend, John. Boundaries Updated and Expanded Edition (p. 313). Zondervan. Kindle Edition. 

(10) Cloud, Henry; Townsend, John. Boundaries Updated and Expanded Edition (p. 314). Zondervan. Kindle Edition. 

(11) Cloud, Henry; Townsend, John. Boundaries Updated and Expanded Edition (pp. 314-315). Zondervan. Kindle Edition. 

(12) Cloud, Henry; Townsend, John. Boundaries Updated and Expanded Edition (p. 316). Zondervan. Kindle Edition.