When Things Don't Look the Way You'd Expect Them To

 When I adopted my daughter from Liberia, West Africa, I was concerned that she would be hurt by careless comments and questions from others. Thankfully, those were few and far between and neatly handled by the list of replies I had dreamed up while lying in bed at night worrying about it 😏. What I never expected was how much of an issue it would become once she grew up! When she was little, most people encountered us with her in my shopping cart or holding my hand. It was clear that we were together. Now, however, when we are separated sometimes things go awry.

 A couple of years ago, my daughter and I were flying home from a trip to Hawaii. We were flying standby and were not able to get seats together. My super-sweet daughter bought me a bag of my favorite popcorn during the flight and asked the flight attendant to bring it back to, "my mom, in row 17". I noticed the flight attendant walking back and forth a couple of times, clearly looking for something, and then I clued into the conversation up ahead of me. It sounds like they got out their device to check the manifest and figured out what seat I was in, and then she told my daughter, "I didn't even consider her, she looks so young!" She laughed it off, but it was clear - the flight attendant had been looking for an older black woman. 

 Just yesterday, my daughter ran into this situation again - which inspired this blog post. During the month of December, our family usually goes into Costco for our annual eye exams and to pick out new glasses. In the past we've always gone together as a group, but this year circumstances led to us breaking things up a bit and going separately. My daughter was the last of the family to go in, with her brother and sister-in-law having been in just a few days before her. As she was sitting in the waiting room, the doctor came out, looked around the room, stepped out into the optical area and looked around, then asked at the desk if she was here. The receptionist pointed to my daughter and the doctor began apologizing all over himself. He told her that his reasoning for not expecting her was that he'd been treating our family so much recently and hadn't anticipated that one of us could look so different from the others. He then added in that he should have accounted for someone marrying into the family, and my daughter told him she had been adopted. They went on to have a quick, but awkward appointment and she came home and shared with me about her encounter.

 Oh, the mama bear in me was enraged! In this day in age particularly, you wouldn't expect someone to be so... so... I don't know any other word than racist. I hate to use that here because I really don't think that it was intentional. I don't think he was making a value judgement about her because of her skin color. But he was clearly putting her in a box that didn't belong in our family's box. He was assessing her based on the color of her skin. I'm open to other opinions, but that just sounds racist to me. It's the same with the kind, well-meaning flight attendant. If a white woman had bought popcorn for her mom, the attendant would have either asked for a seat number or looked it up, because how would she find the older woman that went with her in a sea of people on the plane! It would be much easier to connect her with the one or two women of color that had boarded. 

 Yes, I compassionately understand where the people I've mentioned were coming from and I realize they had no ill intentions. That said, my daughter was clearly affected by their actions. That's life folks, whether you meant it hurtfully or not, it still hurts.

 What I've come to understand is that we all have what they call "inherent bias", sometimes also referred to as "unconscious bias". Just like the eye doctor, we don't "mean" to do it, but our minds do it automatically. This is created by a vast array of things from how we were raised to the type of neighborhood we lived in to our own race and the races of those we were close to growing up. So much of this is out of our control and thus, initially it is not our fault. But once we realize a bias is there, we have a responsibility to adjust it. Perhaps that means spending more time with people we typically shy away from. It might mean learning about different cultures. It's going to be different for each person, but we can all grow and change.

 Many years ago, I got to know the brother-in-law of my best friend over the phone. He was staying with them and when I would call her, he would pick up and we got to talking. I spent quite a bit of time getting to know him on the phone before one day, he showed up at one of the kids' birthday parties. I was shocked! Had I seen this person before, not knowing anything about him, I would have likely moved to the other side of the room or street and avoided him. He was scary looking! Big, bald, tattooed and pierced. He looked tough! Then I realized it was my friend's brother-in-law, whom I "knew". This taught me so much about assigning value to a person's appearance. 

 If you're interested to see what your unconscious biases are, pop over here and take a test!

Here's the Thing: What can I do about these interactions? I can't follow her around everywhere with a sign saying she's my daughter and I'll take you down if you say something that hurts her. I tried, she won't let me. What I can do is reinforce our bond, remind her of how precious she is to me and what an integral part of our family she is. I can build her up so that when people inevitably say hurtful, foolish things, she is so secure in her place with us that it doesn't faze her- very much at least. My daughter is the most incredible young woman, full of passion and life. There are so many amazing aspects to her, and her cultural heritage is one of them. I'm proud of who she is and so thankful that she's a part of our family. She makes us so much better!