Don't be so Sensitive!

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 In recent posts like, "When the World Is Just Too Loud" and "Seeing the World Through Rose Colored Glasses" I've talked about being a Highly Sensitive Person (an HSP). Just in case this is new to you, like it was to me a few years ago, I thought I'd share a bit about it today.

 How long have I been a Highly Sensitive Person? Probably since I was born, maybe before that! How long have I known it? Only for a few years now.  I don't remember the exact circumstances where I learned about HSPs, but the more I learned about it, the more sure I was that this explained my whole life! 

 You see, about 15-20% of the population is born different from the rest. Some are introverts while others are extroverts.  What they all have in common though is that things affect them differently.  Everything from the texture of clothing to the level of the lighting in a room sends signals that their minds and bodies cannot ignore, even if they're not aware of it. 

 This affected me my whole life, but I didn't know it.  I would be in a loud, crowded restaurant and instead of my tummy rumbling in anticipation of the delicious food, my digestion would shut down entirely, my abdomen cramping and enjoying my food was no longer an option.  I had no idea what caused it and I thought something was wrong in my digestive tract.  Perhaps I had IBS or an ulcer or something.  I knew this wasn't normal because I'd been chastised for it as a child and the people around me didn't seem to be experiencing it. In my thirties, I started catching on that there was an emotional component to it.  When I was heading to an event I was nervous about, I tended to get nauseous.  When my family started fighting at the dinner table (we had four kids who were teenagers at the same time), again my digestion shut down and I couldn't eat.  This bothered the kids a lot once they were clued into what was going on.  They would even apologize and beg me to eat, but I just couldn't. 

 Still though, I had no idea how to manage it, I had only become minorly aware of its existence. I had no idea how extensive my sensitivity was, nor did I know that I could draw boundaries or use tools to help manage it.  

 Over the last few years, I've become more aware of the things that affect me, and I've spent time learning about how to deal with it. It turns out that HSPs experience things differently because they take in so much more input. Another person might notice that a woman is sitting at the table next to them.  An HSP would notice her outfit, the scent of her perfume, the fact that she was alone and that she kept checking her phone anxiously. Multiply that by 40 people in a restaurant in addition to the noises from the kitchen, the loud music playing over the speakers, the chaos of the servers rushing back and forth, the sun coming through the windows and hitting them right in the eyes. An HSP will also be acutely aware of the emotional state of their dining partners, perhaps the server and those at the surrounding tables as well.  It's not uncommon for me to be in touch with life circumstances of other diners that I don't know at all. I seem to *know* things about them that I have no way of knowing. This typically has to do with their emotions or state of mind. My understanding is that my brain takes in different cues the person is giving off, the way their eyes are downcast or perhaps the rhythm of their eating, and interprets it subconsciously. All this to say, HSPs take in a great deal of input, which can be overwhelming.

 How did I learn about this? I'm not sure what or who directed me to it, but I found this book a few years ago:

 This is actually the 25th anniversary edition, so it's not like this is a new concept. The Highly Sensitive Person is written by a researcher, Elaine N. Aron, Ph. D. It is chock full of studies and anecdotes. She takes an unusual approach to explaining how to interact with the sensitive part of yourself or your loved one. She equates it to caring for an infant, in fact she calls it the "Infant/Body Self." This may not resonate with everyone, it's a little strange sounding, but if you step back and try to see what she is communicating it can make a lot of sense. She points out that an infant and the body (remember this refers to the body, not the whole self) of an HSP share a lot of commonalities. They are both influenced strongly by stimulation and are unable to cope with overstimulation on their own. They cannot communicate with words but must use signals (crying for babies, pain or nausea perhaps for bodies). This is an analogy that she carries strongly through the book. 

 Since I came to understand these things about myself, I've begun to make better choices, develop coping skills, and utilize tools that help me function better in the world. I can now make informed decisions about where I go and how I will be most successful there. For example, Costco used to completely overwhelm me. I would get almost frozen, my husband said I looked scared. I've had multiple full-on panic attacks there. Now I make choices about when and if I will go to Costco based on different factors. If I'm particularly tired, hungry, or dealing with a headache, I won't go at all. Likewise, if it's a busy time of year, say the week before Thanksgiving, I avoid Costco like the plague! Still, the best time for us to go is on a Saturday morning or afternoon, which is a pretty busy time. So I make sure, like I would for a baby (see the previous paragraph), that I am well fed, rested, and I've used the bathroom. TMI maybe, but it matters folks! I go prepared with a list so I'm not overwhelmed by having to make too many choices. We have a standard pattern of shopping: starting at the pharmacy in case they will need extra time to fill something, then taking care of the non-perishable items, followed by the produce and deli and finally hitting the frozen items last so we're not worried about them being out of the freezer for too long. Again, using this standard pattern we're not having to make choices about where to go or what to do next. If things get super stimulating, I hold the cart and my husband pulls it in front of me. Having this connection to him as well as feeling his direction, helps ground me. I used to have to hold onto the belt loop of his pants, but he likes the cart option more 😂. In addition to these strategies, I often use my Loop Ear Plugs and I always use my FL-41 (use this link if you'd like both of us to get $30 off) glasses that filter the light coming into my eyes and soften my visual experience. So that's how an HSP deals with Costco!

 If you're wondering if you, too, might be an HSP, you can check out Dr. Aron's quiz on her website. If you are wondering about your child, check out her Is Your Child Highly Sensitive? quiz. 

Here's the Thing: Being an HSP isn't a bad thing, in fact it's kind of a super power! The key is knowing this about yourself and then taking care of yourself in such a way that honors how God made you and sets you up for success.