Get a Move On!
As I mentioned briefly last Wednesday, exercise is an important part of maintaining my blood sugar. According to my doctor and my nutritionist, I need to get some movement in after each time I eat. That's not super easy or practical because I'm a small-meal-every-two-hours person. That would mean I'm taking 7 or 8 walks a day! I wasn't even taking one walk most days before so that's quite a leap! But something is better than nothing, so what can I do?
On our trip over the last week I did try to get out and do a 10-15 minute walk around the resort each time I ate, or I would get out of my wheelchair and push it around town like a walker. I always feel awkward about doing this no matter how long I've been using the chair. It's like I still feel like I have to prove my disability to everyone around me and if I get out of my chair they'll think I'm faking. Well, the truth is they might, but who cares what they think? I do, I guess. Like I said, I'm still working on it.
But sometimes its raining or cold and I just don't feel like going out for a walk, so I try to do movement around the house. I vacuum. I make the bed (that's a workout because my husband uses a 20lb weighted blanket!). I pick things up, trying to move from place to place and be active. I do what I can and, again, something is better than nothing. Until it isn't. Like yesterday when my ankle sprain flared up and I couldn't get across the room and tears were pouring down my face. Then something is worse than nothing. But that's not all the time. I have to know my limits and do what I can.
Another movement activity I've been restarting in my life is gentle yoga. In a former life; pre-Covid, pre-Ehlers-Danlos Syndromes (EDS) diagnosis, pre-brain tumor; I was a yoga instructor. I was trained in Yoga Faith, a Christian yoga practice. I used to teach multiple times a week, sometimes up to 7-10 classes. I taught at the YMCA and at my church where we had an incredible faith-building program. I was always plagued by injuries though. I would pull this or tear that and no matter how much I warmed up, it still kept happening. That's how we ended up diagnosing my EDS. I kept getting connective tissue tears in different parts of my body and eventually the lightbulb came on and my doctor and I started looking systemically instead of at each individual injury. When I received my EDS diagnosis and started learning about it, I thought yoga was off the table forever, which broke my heart. God had done so much in my life to make me healthy both physically and spiritually through yoga and I was crushed to have it removed from my life. But as I started trying to incorporate more movement and exercise into my life, I found that I had to do so intentionally, mindfully, carefully. I had to know my limits and do less than I wanted to. I had to walk slower. I had to use modifications for things I "should" be able to do. And I began to consider, maybe I could approach yoga the same way.
Now, I am not recommending this for anyone with EDS. I'm in a special situation because I've completed instructor training for yoga, which is a deep, long, involved process that includes a great deal of anatomy and physiology. I'm well acquainted with the poses and their modifications. I've taught yoga at many different levels from chair and gentle yoga to classes where I was moving people through head stands. But because of this background that God blessed me with, I am familiar with how to keep myself safe in my practice, as long as I don't let my pride take the lead.
Today was one of those humbling experiences. I sat in on my first chair yoga class since Covid. I used to teach the class. But today, I couldn't keep up with most of the 80+ year old people in the room. They could balance better than me (my proprioception is messed up because of dysautonomia and my brain tumor and I have to be careful to stabilize my ankles because of their sprains). They could keep up with the leg workout longer than me. They could stretch further than me. I felt so puny.
Then something happened. The instructor led us to bring our chins to our chest. Instantly I flashed back to my neurosurgeon's office where they asked me to do the same thing and my wound opened up and cerebrospinal fluid (CSF) started flowing down my back. I could almost feel warm liquid pouring down my back and I could definitely feel the tears pouring down my face. I was taught in my yoga training that our bodies actually store memories in joints. It sounds weird, but it's backed up by a lot of science. I was fascinated to read a book called The Body Keeps the Score *. It discusses the physiology of memory, how our physical body is affected by our mental and emotional life. I've had one instance in a massage of having tears pour out of my eyes for no apparent reason when the masseuse was working on my hip, but other than that I haven't experienced this phenomenon personally to my knowledge, until today. That memory was definitely stored in my neck, and it all came rushing back.
My therapist has taught me that the key to processing trauma, to bringing it to a place where it no longer controls you, is to be able to tell the story, so I'm telling it here. In fact, writing this post was almost the first thing I did when I got home from class, after feeding the dog and getting a cup of water. I'm sharing my story with you so that it's not in charge of me anymore. I'm sharing it because maybe it will speak to one of you out there as well.
Here's the Thing: I've known practically forever that movement is important, but in so many ways I've been afraid of it since my EDS diagnosis. Most of my injuries were caused by exercise and, for me, they pile up. None of them heal 100%. So I have two tendons in my right arm with 25% tears because they will never fully heal. I have sprains in my ankles and back, because they never fully healed. Each injury adds to the ones before it and adds to the chronic pain and limitations I experience every day. I am afraid to add more to it. But I know I can't sit idle either. So I'm trying to find that healthy balance of incorporating mindful movement into my life while respecting my limits. Here's hoping it helps my blood sugar!
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