How are you doing?

 

It seems like such a simple question.  It's polite to ask, but we all expect the "fine" answer and a quick move on to the conversation. My answer is not so simple.  I can say, "fine," and have it be mostly true, but it wouldn't even begin to tell people how I'm doing.

If I were to start with the most intrusive, it would be my vision. Having double vision affects EVERYTHING in my life.  What I see. What I feel.  Going from inside to outside, or simply through a doorway sets me off kilter.  It's like a whole new set of inputs comes rushing at me, often leaving me mentally swirling.  Terrifying to those around me, I recently started driving again.  I avoid driving after dark or in super stimulating places like our main street or a Costco parking lot.  I've stuck to side roads in the day time and I've done pretty good.  To my knowledge, I haven't even had any close calls.  But it's NOT like driving before my surgery.  I have to look at all the lines around me and try to discern which one is likely the "real" line. Glancing down at the speedometer sets everything spinning when I try to look back up, so I've been trying to learn to use my peripheral vision to look at the numbers. 

I think that's the heart of what I struggle with, stimulation.  Doing things in large groups of people, whether church or shopping, is overwhelming and exhausting. It's not that I can't do it, it's just very, very hard. We went to Starbucks to have coffee with our pastor this morning and it all hit me.  The music in the background.  The people to our left and right having other conversations, the bright lights, it was a lot.  Not gonna lie, I think I missed a lot of that conversation, but I'm glad I was there.  Being present is really important to me, and this year I think I'm getting for the first time how presence can be a present.  It takes something out of me.  I am giving you something of myself. When it was easy I didn't think much of it.  Now, I am very intentional about where I give my time, and it is a gift.  Now it is more special, precious even. 

Sleep has been elusive lately.  I made it to 3:30am this morning before I started waking up, and that was with starting at nearly midnight.  Pain is one of the biggest hindrances to sleep, when I wake up I just hurt too much to go back to sleep.  It might have even been the pain that woke me.  Back, hips, legs, you name it.  Often lately it has sneaked into becoming a migraine just for extra fun.  Lack of sleep leads to, well, fatigue.  I'm tired all day, which adds to the "how are you" as well as the intentionality of presence.  I take a nap most days so that I have enough energy to make dinner, then I'm done for the evening. My guys are kind enough to ask still what I want to do after dinner, but it's always, "Sit and veg."  We've started going to a church home group once or twice a month in the evening.  I really enjoy it and I'm desperate to make connections within our church family, but I'm so spacy by the end that my husband practically has to carry me out.  

And speaking of pain, there's pain.  I hurt.  All day, every day.  Fortunately my body is kind enough to mix it up so I hurt in different ways all the time. But pain is a constant. Along with it is the desperate need to not be seen as a whiner, so I rarely tell anyone about it. So you have the pain, and the effort it takes to hide the pain, which is not insignificant. The pain adds to the fatigue so you've got this ridiculous cycle that I haven't figured out how to break for years.

Here's the thing: How am I doing? I'm fine.  Fine for me may not be fine for you, but I've learned to be content with where I'm at.  God is providing for me in everything. He hasn't taken my pain away, but He's given me the strength to get through it and the support around me to help where I need it.

P.S. The fatigue is one of the many reasons that I haven't posted here as often as I'd like.  I do appreciate your continued interest and readership. Thank you!

P.P.S. Funny thing happened at the dinner table tonight. My husband said, "Why didn't you mention your memory issues in your post?" The answer, I forgot 😳. Maybe that'll be my next post.