Sitting in the Suck (A Guest Post): Struggling to Stand Strong and Shine Bright

I would love to be able to say that I take pleasure in my weakness (2 Corinthians 2:8-10), shine bright for all to see (Matthew 5:16), and count it joy to navigate trials (James 1:2). However, in reality, I am fine. I am neither here nor there and neither happy nor sad. I reside somewhere in the middle. I remain steadfast to NOT reside in the muck, sitting and wallowing in the suck. Too often I focus on what is going wrong; an illness, financial crisis, relationship struggles, disorganized environment, or uncertainty.  I find myself doubting my ability to navigate my circumstances, provide value to those around me, or measure up to my own expectations. If I could only stop making mistakes, stop being selfish, and stop being lazy. I want to contribute more, feel more, and be more.

And yet, I really am enough, even when I am barely hanging on taking care of myself. There are times in our lives where what we need to do, what is best to do, is not what we want to do. I want to be serving more, working at a place that pays much less but saves lives or souls. I want to spend less time navigating doctors, hospitals, pharmacies, drug stores, and medical conditions. I want to plan out many years of adventure and experiences with my wife, family, and friends. I want my past traumatic experiences to take a permanent vacation from my memory bank. I want to have a community that holds me accountable while allowing me to ask tough questions and seek truth. I want to find peace that surpasses all understanding (Philippians 4:7).

At the age of sixteen I sort of successfully attempted to take my life via overdose. I was successful enough to flat line for long enough the doctor called it, but a nurse decided I was not done yet and pounded the life into me, waking up from that a bit more intentional to figure this life thing out. I was not raised in an environment that did a lot of training on the right things to do (Proverbs 22:6), but my life has been well shaped because of that. Not that I recommend that approach for parenting, nor did I follow that approach in raising my kids. I tried to do my best, largely to avoid being that which I did not want to be.

However, the times where life seems to really suck can be a great teacher.

On September 24th, 2021, my wife and I went to IKEA, that ginormous store that makes you walk miles for a few Swedish meatballs. I do not recall what we went for, but I do know that My wife was in such discomfort that we knew before we arrived that we would need one of those electric carts to navigate. We assumed they would have them like Costco does, but they did not. They did however have manual push wheelchairs that we could borrow while in the store. My wife was still recovering from two 40% ligament tears in her arm, so I would have to push her around. At that moment, we had a number of decisions to make; was the discomfort really that bad, did we really want to go to IKEA that much, and were we going to let this hurdle slow us down.  

This was a pivotal moment in my life!  I had a choice where I could embrace the muck and suck, or I could turn around, walk out, and start down a path which will consistently limit our adventures and opportunities. Not that I am discounting the limitations that were already thrust up us by illness, injury, physical limitations, and so many other factors. Even needing ambulatory wheelchair can feel like your feet were literally removed out from under you.

So, I chose to be excited and after a bit of encouragement, I convinced My wife to let me push her around IKEA, in a manual wheelchair. I would love to say that the trip went great, and it created a huge relief towards what the future held. That is not the case, it was hard. I injured My wife a few times in the process, and if you actually want to buy something AND push a wheelchair, it is quite tricky. But I was not deterred, and I was determined to make this work through learning and growing, together with My wife.

October 9th of that year my sister visited from out of town, and they wanted to explore Mount Rainier. However, due to limitations of her boyfriend we needed to limit the trail difficulty, and they wanted My wife to join us, which would require her to have a wheelchair. I did a weeklong wheelchair rental, and we were off. Having identified a trail that was wheelchair accessible, my wife anxiously allowed me to try and push her, while my sister and her boyfriend walked with us on that trail. Let’s just say that people who decide what is accessible, are clearly not representative of the population they are serving. That has become all too obvious as we navigate this journey.  

My wife was only minorly traumatized, minorly injured, hopefully not permanently, and we will never do that trail in a wheelchair again, BUT I loved trying!  We would do another similar attempt in Alaska while on a September 2022 cruise that would prove to be MUCH worse and likely did permanently injure My wife. But we learned, loved, and lived! The time between those events had us in Palm Springs, which is flat, and taught us other lessons, namely that sun and heat is also very difficult in a wheelchair. Side Note: That Palm Springs trip we rented a wheelchair for a month which turned out to be 2/3rd of the cost to buy a wheelchair, which I did after I got back. The first of many assistive devices we purchased over the last year.

You see, my wife has and will continue to have a lot of medical challenges, but that was not always the case. At one time fairly recently, my wife was far down a path to open a wellness center. Thankfully during Covid our offer to purchase a Church was rejected for a lower bid that was entirely in cash. We could only cover half the cost and finance the rest, so that beautiful building for a great price, with lots of parking, was lost! My wife was going to open this center and teach yoga, sell soap and other homemade toiletries, while other practitioners partnered with her in this shared space. Who knows if we will ever do that again, but even doing yoga has not been safely possible for Chrisy for some time.  

Back to Alaska in September 2022…

That trip proved that we could do life with limitations, but we had to accept some limitations while creatively overcoming obstacles. To this day we have still yet to successfully navigate insurance covering a powered wheelchair that is portable, BUT we have not given up on that…yet!  It did remind me that I love my wife and I could choose to mope in the muck or celebrate the challenge.

I shared previously that I believe in a God that made the universe, as in like boom, there it is. I believe that a real dude named Jesus was on this earth, historically shown (even outside the Christian Bible) to upset a lot of leaders, set a really great example for us to follow in living life, and invites me to join him. Oh, and that he is related to this God that made the universe. I believe that some really old writings were found in the desert and influence moral, ethical, legal, and cultural practices. Sure, I could more reverently, carefully, spiritually, and piously explain those things, but how I said them is often how I think them as well.

It is those three categories of thinking that shape how I approach my situation today.  

If I believe a God can make the universe, there really are no limits to what is possible. However, not everything in the universe makes sense or runs the way I would think it should, so I have no expectations one way or the other, just that it is possible. This Jesus guy was willing to prove his convictions by dying for them, even though all he really did, was be a really nice guy. Sure, he did not want to, and asked his dad if he could avoid it (Luke 22:42), but he let his yes be yes, his no be no, and he lived life, loving life, and loving others along the way. Those writings I mentioned, well they tell the story of this God and Jesus, giving context and clarity for us beyond just the, I know a guy statement.

October 27th, 2022, my wife wrote in her SaltyZebra Blog - “So here I go attempting to live my best life unapologetically!  My husband and I have discussed it at length and decided that while there is no certainty about what my future will hold, the odds are high that my independence and mobility are more likely to decrease than increase over time.  What this means is that I shouldn't wait until I'm older and my husband has retired to explore and do the things I want to do - to fulfill my "Bucket List" as it were.  If we're wrong and I do improve, or better yet receive complete physical healing, then I can do these things again with fewer limitations.  In either case, by pursuing these opportunities now I will have memories of wonderful experiences in the future instead of regrets for not doing things when I could.”

On February 24th, 2023, my wife had an MRI to see if she had a Chiari malformation which could explain her extreme migraines over the last few years. On February 27th we were informed by phone that she had a brain tumor, no mention about anything else at the moment. We have never received good news so quickly, and never over the phone, so… Our February 28th pre-op appointment for the first of two major arm surgeries for My wife had us open with a question to the hand surgeon. Would having a brain tumor prevent us from proceeding with the hand surgeries next week. A guy who seldom stops talking to breathe, paused for about five minutes, and eventually said yes, and that we have effectively postponed the surgery.

We had to wait about a week, but on March 8th, 2023, we met the neurosurgeon who informed us of a few things. My wife does not have a Chiara malformation. We have a brain tumor blocking her spinal fluid. The last few months of symptoms around nausea, vision, balance, pain, and memory were possibly a result of this tumor. We could leave it in, but they could become worse and if she had a seizure or severe accident as a result of this blockage, it could be deadly or basically create a vegetable My wife! On that day we chose surgery and navigated towards where I sit right now.

Here are the things…

Nobody knows when they are going to die or what tragic event will be thrust upon them that reshapes how they interact with the world. We have an opportunity to forgive those who hurt us, releasing us from their hold, even if we create healthy boundaries to separate us. Each day we can choose to embrace life, the people, and opportunities we choose to experience. We can celebrate the moments we get, and allow them to influence our character, long after time has passed, and the moment becomes a memory. Or we can choose to get stuck in the muck, angry at the world, our situation, our future, our people, missed opportunities, missed expectations, and missed life.

I choose to celebrate, for as long as I can, with the people I love, doing the things I desire!

Mr. Salty Zebra

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