When "Wait and See" Wouldn't Sound so Bad

    Ten days after I received the call letting me know that they found something on the MRI I was sitting in the office of a Neurosurgeon.  I have no doubt that God orchestrated the circumstances that had brought me there, including a friend who is also dealing with a brain tumor recommending this clinic. But how could any of this be real? Only a couple of people knew what was going on, but there wasn't much to know before this appointment. All we had were a few key phrases on the MRI Study Result and our dear friend, Dr. Google.  I went into the appointment with the impression that the doctor would either recommend watching and waiting, doing another MRI in six months and seeing if anything changed, or taking it out right away.  In previous encounters where the option was to wait or do something I have vastly preferred doing something, but this time it was different. I had read about the potential complications of surgery and I was scared.  Not to mention, needing to act right away meant it was serious, and I didn't want it to be serious.  My husband and I had talked about it and decided that if we were given a, "Come back in six months," directive we would cram as much life and adventure into those six months as possible. 

    As you've probably guessed, the doctor did not tell us to wait and see. His assessment was that the size of the tumor in the small space it was in posed a significant risk and it needed to be removed as soon as possible. After that, the appointment is kind of a blur. Two of my sons were just about to start their winter quarter finals at school, and for one of them it would be his last quarter before finishing his degree. They had both worked so hard this quarter and I knew it would be next to impossible for them to finish strong with this news hanging over them.  I asked the doctor if it would be possible to push the surgery back a week until after they finished finals and he said he thought it would be, so we scheduled the surgery for March 27th.

    So what did we learn about what is coming? The first lesson he taught us was that there is no way to know for sure. Evidently the nature of brain surgery is that you will not know what the recovery will be like until you know how the surgery went. He said that he would remove as much of the tumor as he safely could, but that might not be all of it.  After that he would send it to pathology where they would determine for certain what type of tumor it was.  At this point we are just making a best guess based on a picture. 

    Best case scenario he is able to get all of it and it comes back as benign.  Then I just have to recover from the surgery, which is not insignificant but, again, it's the best possible outcome. Alternately, if he is not able to get it all and/or it comes back as something else, we'll have to explore other treatment options. At the very least I'll be spending the first night in the ICU and two more in a regular hospital room. I've never been in the ICU before, but in some ways that's comforting because I have had issues in the past with the anesthesia staying in my system for a long time and feeling like I stop breathing every time I close my eyes the night after surgery. At least this way there will be someone keeping an eye on me!

Here's the Thing: This is scary, I'm not gonna lie. But every time I spiral to the point where I feel like I can't catch a breath, I am reminded of some truth that brings me back to center.  God's got this.  He knew it was coming WAY before we did and He already knows how everything is going to turn out. He is capable of putting things together perfectly and using this for our good and His glory.  I trust Him.