Day 7: Managing spoons

     Some days, like today, I wake up and feel like I have no spoons at all to start the day, but I still have a day to start. I needed to be showered, fed, and out the door by 9:30 to make it up north to my physical therapy appointment. I'm trying to honor both my husband's limited time and attempt to balance his work-life-serving schedule by driving myself. It's not impossible, it's not even that hard, but it does cost more spoons. When I got home, I fixed myself a quick frozen lunch, because I knew I had a lot left to do and couldn't waste spoons on fixing the salad I really wanted. Then I picked up my room a bit and prepped for my first virtual appointment with my new sleep specialist. He had come recommended by both my doctor and the local Facebook EDS group so I was looking forward to it. I was not disappointed. The doctor came across as knowledgeable about the effects of EDS on sleep, he didn't question my diagnosis or make me jump through hoops to prove it, and he had what sounded like a solid plan for moving forward. After the appointment, my daughter and I went over to my mom's house. For the last twenty-three years we've had a family dinner at my mom's every Friday night, only missing occasionally for trips and things. This week was special because my brother and his wife are in town and my niece, the first of the sixteen grandkids to get pregnant, was doing her gender reveal. So I really needed to be there. I usually head over about 4:30, but this week my mom asked me to come early to play a game with her and my brother. It sounded like a good option because it would help me feel better about leaving early and I knew that would be ideal. We played a game and finished about dinner time. My brother asked if I could play another and my niece's boyfriend hadn't arrived yet to do the reveal, so I agreed. Part of me knew it was too much, but I really didn't want to disappoint anyone and I didn't feel like I had a good, clear reason not to. I played one more game, which finished right before they did the reveal, and then I headed home. I knew on my way out that I had overdone it, but I felt sort of helpless. 

     At home, I took care of our dogs' dinner, then crawled in bed with my computer and TV. My kids came home after a bit and I spent some time with my daughter who just got into town today. 

     I love doing this, I wouldn't trade it, but like everything else, it cost more spoons. By the time my husband came home from serving at the local homeless shelter, I was well into the negative with my spoon allotment for the day. I started the day feeling like I had nothing, and spent the day running on fumes. It really does feel like driving with your tank on empty, hoping you'll find a gas station soon because you have no cell service to call AAA. I know, because I've done that too 🤣🙄.

Here's the thing: Living my life while running on fumes has a cost. I know it will catch up to me, and I pray I can hold it off until I finish a few more important days. I think I struggle to not throw up a white flag and quit now both because I do want to participate in the things we have planned and I don't feel like I have a good reason for feeling as worn out as I do.